Thoughts.com Blogs - Beginning a Journey to Lose a Close Friend

Tomorrow I get to spend around 4 hours undergoing different testing procedures for a study to stop smoking.

I have been smoking for over 12 years now. Not a long time compared to some people and longer than others. For 12 years now my cigarettes have been like a friend to me.
When I have felt upset, lonely, excited, nervous, and a host of other feelings, I have tuned to my cigarette friend.

Its sad in a way that I am on this verge of quitting yet again. Each time it gets harder and harder. I have quit for a couple of weeks… to a couple of months. I always let something be my “trigger” and then I start smoking again.

I have grown to dislike smoking over the years. It makes me mad when I have to make sure I have enough cigarettes before I go to bed. This junction came to a head a few weeks ago when I was about to go to bed. I looked in the open pack and had one left. I thought no biggie; I have another pack in my purse. So I smoke the cigg to finish the pack. I get ready to go to bed, change my clothes, feed the cats and scoop the cat box. I reach for my purse and to my dismay, I don’t have another pack. I say ok, that I can stop by the store on my way to work. I go to bed and try to sleep. I can’t sleep, I stare at the ceiling fan, look at the clock, get up and get a drink of water… mentally I am unraveling.

Ultimately I get dressed and go to the store. Kicking myself all the way there and back. Hating the fact that I am that dependant on a cigarette. I started buying cartons then.

I think that was the kicker. That was when I decided to sign up for the study.

I think that in the last two weeks, my mind and body have come to understand that I am preparing to quit and is it finally starting to step in line. I have been smoking less, feeling like smoking has become a chore and getting more and more irritated with having to stop what I am doing and take a break to go smoke.

I starting buying smokes by the pack instead of by the carton. Taking a different way home so I don’t have to pass the smoke shop. Working on it.

I am getting there and proud of myself.

Tomorrow I will learn if I will be accepted into the study. Either way, I have come to realize this. Study or no study, I am on my way to quitting for good. I am ready.

I am excited but scared. It may seem kind of stupid to say that, but its true. I know that there are lots of people who will say that smoking is bad and that they don’t like being around people who smoke. I also know that even though this is MY addiction, there are a lot of people out there with their own addictions. Be it psychological addictions, emotional addictions or other physical ones like drugs and chronically hurting themselves. I will fight mine and I hope that others fight theirs.

I wish myself good luck in overcoming mine… and anyone else who wishes to overcome theirs.