I am all of a sudden finding some things hard to talk about. It is as if the emotions and thoughts going around inside of me have decided to stay cooped up at times. I can not talk about how I feel inside emotionally [heart wise] but I can express [I guess for now silently] how I feel about things going on around me.
I have issues with the live in care giver that was hired. She herself is disabled and does not do much other than to make sure Granny takes her medication on schedule and change her diapers. “L” is her name and she has a bad back and doesn’t seem to do much except talk about her past patients and compare them to Granny. She doesn’t wipe her down after Granny saturates her diaper or give her a bath, she doesn’t change the sheets and she either just sits on her computer all day while playing games or she takes naps. Now I understand that it can be stressful taking care of a patient day in and day out, I know from personal experience having been my other grandmothers primary care giver for 3 years, but shoot… give the woman a dang bath already! If she needs help learning how to do it, she should watch when I clean Granny up.
So the care giver called me yesterday afternoon and told me that Grannys breathing was labored and shallow and that the family should be called to say final goodbyes. Of course, I naturally get upset by the phone call, finally smack on a brave face and make the calls down the chain. Sadly, no one but me and K bothered to visit with Granny last night. My dad said that he would visit when he can but that he doesn’t know when he will have time. Again with the MAKE TIME TO SEE YOUR DYING MOTHER!!!! Ok, breathe.
I have noticed that in my own internal grieving process, my emotions have become more guarded now and my heart has become colder (for lack of a better word) towards things. My heart stays with Granny but when it comes to other people, at the moment my tolerance is so very low. Just my internal thoughts I think.
I have visited with Granny every day now for the last few weeks. It has become a little tiring since I don’t live there, going over there after work, staying for many hours and then coming home late at night only to fall into bed and do it all over again the next day. I have been neglecting myself and my home. I seriously need some “me” time again but am not sure if I can let myself take it. What ifs keep me from doing a lot of things.
I think my biggest worry is that Granny will die and there will be no family around, just an incompetent care giver. That she won’t have anyone to hold her hand or to be there when she passes. I think I am projecting here because I notice the people who come in and visit and they talk about her as she was before she got sick “oh she used to be so strong and would play hopscotch with my girls just a few months ago” “I cant stand to see her like this, it makes me feel like its not even her” it just drives me crazy! She can hear! She can hear every word you say, you know how I know? Because she is suggestive – I can be talking to the care giver and say “That was a resourceful book” and she will say “Can I read the book too?” when she can’t even keep her eyes open for longer than a minute or so. She heard someone mention the TV and then she started getting upset saying that the TV needed to be painted another color. She can hear everything you say and when you talk to her she will respond. That is another thing!
People come in and they just start staring at her while they talk to everyone else in the room but say nothing to her. Go up and talk to her, tell her you love her, push her hair back and ask her how she feels at the moment, she will talk to you, she will tell you that she loves you, she will tell you that she feels ok or that she needs to sit up or lay back further. You just have to talk to her. Don’t ignore her because she is dying!
Perhaps part of my frustrations are because of the way people are treating her, she is not dead, she is [I guess] in some kind of transition because she talks to people who have died, but she will smile at you and tell you she loves you when you talk to her.
The Nurse (RNA) that comes a couple of times a week called me this morning to tell me that Granny is holding on strong and that she may be gathering her bursts of energy because there is someone she needs to say goodbye to or something. I don’t know who, I have contacted everyone in her phone as well as people that I know from her past.
Granny is so beautiful, I have not taken any photos of her while she has been sick but I will scan some photos of her soon and post one.
Thanks for reading and sorry that this was more of a rant than a post. Oh and sorry for cussing.
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