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A dear friend of mine suggested that I stop and take stock of my life and the things that I have been going through lately. Good suggestion. I decided to take a break from blogging and online activities for a few days to clear my head and heart. I didn’t stop writing, just started filling a notebook instead of word files.
I reflected on all of the great and amazing things that I have in my life. I have posted about them recently, and not much has changed other than the “boyfriend” part.
From my reflections, I realized that I knew before I broke up with Douglas that I didn’t love him because I had begun to love someone else before I even met Douglas. I didn’t realize it at the time, that before I had even met Douglas, I had inadvertently given my heart to another. I wrote another post about the reasons for the breakup and will post that next.
Though I don’t know if anything will ever happen with the one who currently holds my heart, I have come to the conclusion that I am ok if nothing does ever happen. I mean, I do love the guy, but I am realizing that loving someone scares me. It changes me. I become someone I don’t really like that well. Some might say it is because of my “sign” although I don’t really know much about it to know if that is true or not. What I do know is that becoming closer to this person has made me become jaded.
I love being friends with him, talking to him, laughing and pouting with him, heck even sparring with him is attractive, but I don’t want to jeopardize out friendship with feelings that might not ever be returned.
Soul searching is a heifer, I tell ya! There are a lot of things I have come to realize about myself, some good... and some bad.
I realize that I am really afraid to let my emotions show. I like being the strong person that people can depend on but I am not sure how to depend on someone else. How can I let my guard down when so many people need me to be strong? Is it fair to let him lean on me when I am afraid to lean on him? How do you shed years of tears and heartache? How do you tear down the guarding walls?
He was right, my friend, when he said to me that I try my best to be a good friend to him, I listen, I give lots of unsolicited advise, I hurt for him and laugh with him, but I don’t lean on him like he does me. I think I worry about how much he wants me to lean on him. How good of a friend does he want to be to me?
So I wondered why I can share my deepest darkest secrets with him but not cry on his shoulder and I have come to realize that although I have never taken our friendship for granted, I have hindered its growth because I have been keeping part of myself hidden away from him. Either I thought I was doing him a favor so he would not have such a heavy burden, or I was afraid that he already knew too much and already has the power to hurt me, why add more fuel. But he is not the type to hurt someone on purpose. He is a loving, gentle, thoughtful, careful person and he would rather fix the hurts of the world than cause more. So I need to stop doing him a disservice and let him in my life more, as much as he chooses to be. I will let him decide instead of just sharing with him what I think he wants to know.
Then I get scared because I don’t know how much of a friend he wants to be, how involved he does or does not want to be in my life, how much he wants to know and then I wonder if I have said too much.
How can I learn to put aside any romantic feelings I might have for him and just be the friend he needs me to be?
I think I have really pulled a “Roe” and digressed a lot!
Being that the possibility of a tropical storm or a grade 1 hurricane might be headed you way can also make you sit up and take stock. I lost everything in 2004 when Allyson hit us with flooding, and the thought of it possibly happening again, well I prayed it would not. Thankfully and I praise God, it didn’t do much more than drop some water droplets on us here in Houston. Bolivar got the brunt of it but even then it was still mainly just rain.
I let it just become another reminder of why I am thankful for everything that God has blessed me with.
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Posted by heatherslife on 2008-08-06 23:23:51 | Rating: | Views: 29
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