This morning I woke up and said it's the new years and I wanted to fixed my relationship with my family.  I woke up with a mission and I was going to say I was sorry even though it wasn't my fault.  I went in the kitchen to get coffee brewed and my mom was there.  She has decided to not talk and pretend I wasn't there.  I knew my mother always proud and that she has never defended me on anything.  It was always her sideing with the other children even though they are all adults.  I have always had her best interest and wanted to protect her from my brother J who likes to steal her credit cards and use them to put her in debt.  I was always the one who controlled the internet account, so I would delete his screen name so he can't go online and use her credit cards.  Yesterday, I saw that she still hasn't learned her lesson with J, she gave him her credit card to activiate an account on aol....and now he has the master screen name.  If he does steal her credit card again for use, then I can't stop him this time...and my mom will be at fault again for not knowing that this is his 7th time stealing from her.  My mom is a caretaker in an elder person's home and she doesn't make much.  She is still trying to pay off his $7,000 dollar charge on her credit cards and she not has bad credit.  J also has control of the mail box which she gave him the keys to.  He hides the credit card statement from her, so she never knows until she is contacted with legal actions for not paying.  My mom takes his side for everything and even when I'm right. I try to protect her, but all I get is, "he's only 20...he doesnt' know better."
Sorry to get off track...anywho, I went in the kitchen to talk to her...and she just ignores me.  I tried to say, "Mom I'm sorry I hurt you and them."  She walked away into her bedbroom and I heard her warn the children not to come out because I was in the kitchen.  That knocked the wind out of me, I felt like I've been hit so hard that this time...i just couldn't get up.  I rather have friends try to backstab me then my own family.  I knew I've losted my mother a long time ago...and I couldn't get her back.  I cried until I was puffy and couldn't cry anymore. I've lost my will to eat and I've lost alot of weight. I'm not hungry anymore and I'm sad all the time.  I even saw J at teh computer again, and when he saw me...he quickly closed the internet and then he shut the computer off and ran into his bedroom.  He doesn't even try to talk to me.  I might just have to move out since I'm not wanted...but I don't have any money saved.  I will have to suck it up and just hope that by the time I will be able to move out, I will still have myself left and that I won't lose myself to misery.
Part of me wants to try again..but I don't know if I can take it because they just brush me off...