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Ace of Clubs and Hearts

Leaning to a bush in the storm that is my mind. Trying to grasp the essence of my thoughts. Sometimes I fall out, loose track of everything that is ongoing around me. I become consumed within myself. May seem wierd, even excentric at times. However I know I am not alone. Every day I walk through the corners and bushes watching people that are lost. But none of them are me, we all need someone that is like us. that understands us. Most people are lucky, they discover the people they need pretty quickly. And for a while they are happy. I discover people all the time, I meet and greet them, even become close friends with them, but I'm always hidden behind a glass cover of lies and deception. I make people believe I am something entirely different than the person I know I am. I stribe to keep up, but in the end things just seem to fall into place without my efforts having to be placed into it. Life's, sometimes perfect. The times when I can predict the happenings of people and their choises. When I walk, and talk about everything and nothing. And sometimes the quiet's the best.

How come we are who we are? And not who we want to be? The answer is simple. When we are born we "The children" are like a ball of clay, eager to be sculpted and to me seen by people. But when we grow older we establish ourselves, the clay has almost dries up and we know our shape. Our personality. Leaving only minor details to be refined. Even perfected.

Please don't do that. I've heard my teacher say several times, it's not in a bad way. It is more in an alarming way, telling me to do as I'm told or I'll have to face the consequences. To be told that in a harmfull or frightened way would, to me, be terrible.

I walked home one day, one of my friends suggested that instead of waiting for the bus to arrive and take us home, we'd do it the old fashioned way and walk. I thought it was a glistening idea and agreed to his statement. Accompanying him on the road home. Sometime later we split since our houses are in two different places. See you, he said already turned away and waving with the back of his hand. Yeah, seeya, I was tired from walking and spoke in a tuned voice. I went my way and followed the rocky road down a lingering pathway and up to another rocky road. I was enjoying myself. I felt so relieved from my everyday life as I walked, I had a green straw in my mouth and with it I hummed and smiled.

An angel appeared, actually it was a girl I had never seen before. She was a tall blonde with glistening breasts who where waving up and down from her heavy breath, she had a long slender body with a tiny waist, wearing a bright yellow shirt and jeans in the hot sun. Revealing her springy buttom like the smell of summer. I instantly became interested in her. Feeling the blood inside me rush as I looked upon her tight jeans and slender body. Without knowing it I began to walk faster, from the blood pumping through my veins I pushed on without realizing it myself. Keeping up with her pace, so I could see. So that I could watch her wrickle her body from side to side for every step she took. I was enticed. Uncontrolable.

We had walked a few minutes, I had zoomed up on her and I weren't more than 20 feet away from her, I marched uncontrolably and without thought or concern of my actions. I was almost at her now. I only wanted a closer look, a chanse to smell her gracious scent. To feel her walking beside me.

I we walked, said nothing to each. She tried to walk as fast as she could, her steps were systematical, like those of a printer. Mine were slouchy, I had trouble keeping up, however, I didn't seem to notice that I was breathing heavily and the water pouring down my cheek wasn't just that of the dripping rain, some of it was from my wet self. I was enchanted by her grace, so consumed I didn't notice.

I will never in my life forget this moment. A crucial moment, maybe the first step I ever took from a boy to a man.

There was only one road to walk on now, no split ends for a long time. We were all alone and the setting was for anything to happen. I was watching her intensely. Without remorse. My veins were pumping from excitement, I was unaware of what I was to do next. What crucial happening that would change the way I view myself, forever.

She was bumping from side to side with each step, her thin waist was untouched by the waving of her bottom. Standing firm as a pole in the ground. I was huffing and puffing like an overfed pig, snorting my way through the narrow street making all kinds of disgusting noises. I had no idea.

My steps were faster than hers now, I quickly zoomed up on her. To feel her warmth. I had no idea.

I was only 5 feet from her when it happened, the great thing that would change me forever, and she would never know of it.

She marched, her hair swinged through the air as she turned her head, her body, gracious as could be, stopped. She looked me right in the eye. With fear.

Such fear on the open and narrow road can only be described as a child excperiencing death for the first time as the child looks upon their dead cat who's recently been run over. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what would happen. She, was petrified. Stunned with fear over me, a middle class manboy walking behind her breathing heavily. And the only response I came with, was the feeling of being shocked. Stunned to silence, and I stopped. I saw it in her eyes what she had imagined the horrors I would do to her. And I became scared of myself. I would never, EVER! Do anything to anyone, I even think twice before striking a fly. But because of her curse, because of her beauty, she captivated me and I was not myself anymore. But now I swear to never let go of myself ever again. Because the fear of myself is too strong. I would NEVER, and I mean EVER.

Harm a woman.

It is sworn within me every time I think of anything worse than me. It's as if I'm indoctrinated. But it is my pride never to harm a woman and I would much sooner take my own life, than that of a woman. That is the revelation I had on that grim day. Even as I write this now, my heart is litterally aching before the thought of harming a perfect being. A woman.

It is the one thing I will swear I'll never do. I can't, even if I wanted to, really. My hand would stop, my heart would break and my soul ache . The one thing I discovered was that I am truly capable of loving anything. But it is my weakness that I can not hate anything. I am the one thing I can only define as Aces of Clubs and hearts. For my love and dislikes. But not for my hate and likes.

Chivalry has not died yet, maybe it can be seemed as discriminatory, that women are weaker than men and therefor needs protection. I don't mean that, women can me stronger than men in ALL ways. For I am not perfect and neither are you. I see in shows and movies women fighting and that is fine. I don't enjoy it, but I face it as reality. It's not something I want it is just the way it is.

It's strange, how I as a man can't defend this as a part of me. But as a unity of the world this is the only truth there is out there, that we are all equal, yet all different. I've managed to discover qualities in everyting and therefore it is not to be hated. I can't understand it. I can't hate anything, but some things I can love with all my heart. The sunset, the flowers, the air, the sea, the wind, the sun, the grass, the snow, the trees, the rain, the clouds. You name it, and I will tell you. It's true. Something I've yet to figure out is my love for women. Is it chemical, spiritual or just driven my pure sexuality? Naturally I would want to find out, but as I sit here and type, I realize. I really, really really. Don't care. At all what causes it. Much like how I don't care how the universe started, how the planets were created. The important thing is that they are there, and I won't have anyone tell me they are something else than they are. That love is something else than what it truly is. Pure, moist, schorching hot love. The kind that makes your body plead for oxygen, and your mind crave freedom. But you just don't give a shit. You are just there in that moment when everything is perfect. The planets revolve around you and your love is the center of the universe and out from her eyes are the answers to all of your wriddles.

- Just love damnit, love and dislike. Everything is an illusion. Even the thought of where you are isn't real. Everything is as you make it, as you want it to be, There are no rules. Only the way you choose to pass your time. Don't let anyone tell you who you are, for you are you, there are noone better and many worse. Just live in those unreal moments. Where the people fear you, dislikes and loves you. Be the Ace of clubs and hearts. Do not feel the need to do anything other than the thing that is the most divine. Feelings are the only things that trancend reality and logic. They are transactions between you and a better place for us all. Stay where you are, not where you wish to be. Live the pocket Ace.

Posted by harriboy on 2008-06-12 19:59:06 | Rating: