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My history and thoughts on IVF

As I mentioned in my biography, my husband and I have been very happily married for the last ten years. In 2003, we decided it was time for us to start “trying” for children. We were at a point in our lives where we were ready to grow our family. Never in a million years did I think 5 years later, we would still be trying. The heart ache, the depression, the hopes and the money that we have spent in the last five years in unbelievable. Infertility is such an emotional and private thing couples go through. I can’t tell you how many times perfect strangers ask me or him “Why don’t you have children” It is none of their business. It hurts and cuts like a knife in my heart every time I get asked that question. I use to reply “Oh! We are trying” and then you get asked more questions and then I changed it “We can’t have any” because frankly, as rude as it may sound- I want them to feel uncomfortable. Most people have no idea the doctor visits, the medicine, the charts, and the medical procedures that we have gone through or any other couple who are experiencing this as well. I have had 2 failed IUI’s and 2 failed IVF with ICIS. The last time (which was a year ago this month), I really fell into depression big time. You get so hopeful and really expect your life to change for the positive and then BAM… negative. Last time, I knew I was not pregnant when I went in for my blood test and just broke down. My sweet nurse and doctor were very supportive but I just knew it didn’t work.
I am at that stage right now where I am frankly scared to death to try it again. Fortunately, my husband insurance will cover one last round. ( I know we are very lucky that we have insurance that covers it since most couples do not have this option.) I am just so scared to hear “negative” from the doctor. I was so hopeful the first round and even hopeful the second time. I know being positive and attitude play a huge part but I just don’t know if I am mentally there.
We suffer from male factor as our “issue” no one in my husband’s family as had any issues having a child. No one from my side as ever had problems either. My parents do not really understand. My Mom is from the belief that if we can not have children on our own then that is God’s will. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that we given what we can handle. I know this is not how I thought I would be trying to have a child but I love my husband and he has been so supportive. I know for him it has got to be very challenging and really not enjoyable. I mean—poor guy having to jack off in a cup and on demand…. That has GOT to suck. I would gladly have to get shots every day and not have to do that. That is another thing—both cycles of IVF—he has been the sweetest. He gives me my shots twice a day. We both stop drinking (we love wine) and we do it together. It is “our” situation. Not “mine” and not “his” it is both. I love that he is so sweet and supportive. I have read on some infertility boards that some woman have to give their shots themselves because their husband’s won’t do it. I have also read that some women have gone through 5 or 6 or more cycles of IVF and they are still dealing with the negative. I don’t know how on earth they have the strength, money or the mental capacity to go through it. I have taken a year off and am still scared to commit to trying it again. I will… Trust me I will and I will document it here. Right now, I read on a couple of infertility websites that there are some vitamins that will help my husband out. (Such has E and B) so, he is going to start taking those and we are going to try on our own for a couple of months before we do another cycle.
Another thing, as I continue to babble.  I use to be and still am… get heart broken when I find out my friends who are single get pg on accident. I ask myself WHY…. WHY THEM and not me? Why do I have to go through the heartache when they have it so easy and really don’t even WANT a child. I really try not to think like that but it can be so frustrating that you have a wonderful marriage and home for a child and it seems like everyone else gets PG without even trying. Maybe Infertility should become more in the media. Maybe we should talk about it more. I don’t know….
I think I have babbled on enough. It really helps putting my thoughts down…..just for me.