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| Waking up and letting go. |
I don't miss him. At all. But I feel like I should. I almost feel a sense of guilt because I don't. I have no desire to see him, nor the desire to talk to him. I do wonder what he's doing, but when I wonder, I mostly wonder how he's fucking up his next victim. Life and relationships are just a game to him. Nothing is real. He can't stop lying. Why would someone lie about having cancer? He lies about things that there is no reason to lie about. I just don't get it. And he has no shame in his lying. He has more than once, sworn on his daughter's life about something that I later found out to be a lie. He said he was going to therapy to help himself to stop lying and treating people like shit, and maybe he was, but I can't even be sure of that. I actually was stupid enough to consider getting back with him until I caught him lying again about stupid shit. Why lie about having pnuemonia now? Why lie about getting a divorce... Again? Does he just want sympathy? He wants so bad to appear to be a good man. But he is not. And sadly, I really don't think he has it in him to ever be a good man to anyone. The only thing he is good at is lying and deception. If he put half of the time and energy he spends on lying and cheating into actually sincerelly becoming a good man, then he could. But he won't. There is no limit to the things this selfish man will do to get what he wants. He will destroy person after person, just as he has always done, so he can feel the slightest bit relevant, with no remorse whatsoever. The things he tricks people into feeling for him are not real because they are all solely based on lies. Those are the things I have been thinking about in this time of not talking to or seeing him. In this time of absense, I feel a sense of peace and relief because I don't have to play his games or dig through his massive piles of bullshit to try and find the smallest bit of truth in it all. I didn't realize how exhausted it all made me and how much it pushed me down and beat me up until I had this time of peace without all the crap that comes with him. He thinks I'm miserable without him and that I am just a mess because he hasn't contacted me in a few days; but in all honesty, it has been the opposite for me. I have not felt the burden that is the norm with him. I have finally learned that I can't be happy with him and I feel such a sense of relief and peace. He will never make me happy. So I'm better off without him.
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Posted by halo_horns on 2009-10-19 12:29:44 | Rating: | Views: 18
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