Have you ever wanted to be a hero?  I have.  I've wanted to do something grand and lasting that helps other people.  Something that others could point to and say "Wow, he made a difference".  I"m kind of ashamed to admit it because it is so narcissistic.  I mean, a true hero wouldn't want to be lauded and congratulated for their good deeds.  For a true hero doing the right thing is reward in itself.  I guess maybe that means I don't have what it takes to be a hero.  If so at least I'm not alone because I know plenty of others out there have probably dreamed the same self aggrandizing dream.

I don't think that I'm totally selfish though.  Honestly, I do want to help people.  When I see others in need I genuinely want to help them because I empathize with their plights.  I can imagine myself in their situation and know that I would want someone to help me if I were in that spot.  Still, I'm not completely altruistic because part of me hopes that someone is watching and will give me a pat on the back afterwards.

Perhaps it goes back to childhood.  Many things do. I suppose  I was always rather an insecure child, never sure of my worth and I guess that has carried over into adult life.  I still feel the need to prove myself worthy of people's affection and approval.  Strangely enough, even though part of me wants people's approval, I tend to be "stand offish" with most people and some would even call me cold.  That is a self defence mechanism I think.  You can't be rejected and fail to meet people's expectations if you don't get close to them.  Of course, it also means that life can be rather lonely sometimes.

As I get older I get wiser at least.  Things that I didn't understand about myself when I was younger I do understand now.  I'm more in tune with my inner workings, able to understand where my feelings come from, how they ebb and flow, etc.  Understanding is half the battle.  The other half is to take your understanding and act on it, to work on those flaws and weaknesses you find in yourself.  Now that is a scary and formidable task.  To delve into your mind's dark recesses, shining the light of reason upon your thoughts and feelings and then rooting out those things that make you sick and tired.  Perhaps that takes a little bit of heroism of sorts.