It's funny how I always do this... and when this happens... I just ran away... well... sort of... or maybe I just do not want to attach myself close to anyone... it's hard to be close with someone that you can trust... seriously... Malaysian life is not like that... I am like that...

I have done it before after graduation in college... and it was good that I have done it. My friends that I knew from college... they never change. They still behave the way they are... and seriously, it became a problem... the last time I see them, we fought... and the most common subject would be... politics. I never knew how selfish they were then that fighting for a course in life is giving problems to the society... now they are like inside the transparent glass... feeling safe... or I wouls say play safe...

The next one was when I had my BBQ Party last year September. It was my last hurrah that I, as a host making sure everyone is having a good time... I succeeded. One of my old college friend later became friends with my whole other group of friends when I was with my ex. And her life is now so colorful (hehehe... I know you are reading this). Everyone enjoy their food, their company and it was a whole day event. I am glad it turns out alright because as a host, everyone should feel comfortable, not me. I hardly eat any BBQ Babyback Ribs myself... but I am glad. Old friends that were almost separated get back together. I told them this will be the last thing I'll ever do... because I want to move on and do the things I want... they too feel the same way and ask me its as if I am going far far away...

Now... my other whole group of foreign friends. I make a mistake... and I realize... I should move on. It was fate that I meet them... I met a few kind people and some not so bad people. Some wonderful friends I might add... but later, I make a mistake. I realize I am going back where I once was... not changing. That hit me... and in my last blog, about the arguement I had with another fellow chatter? That's when my mistake happen. I am still not in the clear... I am still emotional mess... still a flawed person.

I remember... on the day of my 18th birthday, I will never ever let anyone come close to me to my life. I isolate myself from everyone I know and the only contact I had was my family. I did not smile for a long time. 1 and the 1/2 years later, my best buddy found me. I don't know how but he did... but I was still an emotional mess then.

It took me a while to step out of my own true self when I met her... and she change me. Serious change for the better. The memories we both shared... and I nearly even want to believe that my birthday was something special... and she almost did it. That's when things fall apart last year... and the secrets she kept since the beginning... and the problems that came and I became part of it... my friends were involve... and the worst of it all... the one thing I can never allow myself to be close with any other girl or woman in my life... what she said to me... was the one thing that I will remember... that I can never give the love to that someone who will want my love in return... because... I am scared... I fear my life will fall over again... I do not want to go down that same path as it happen before in my life... I choose not to. I do not want anyone to reach me... but then, who would want to risk it to know me better...

I realize... being alone is going to be the one thing I am accustomed to. I doubt, as I said before, anyone would just come up to me and slap in my face and said "wake up, you damn fool... there are better things in life instead of you going to sulk for the rest of your life when something beautiful is right in front of you"... Ha! That will never happen to me... but in the opposite, I did that to someone else... and it change her... and she appreciate what I did for her... we weren't close as friends during college days... only after graduation we became close then... now, she wanted to be close to me... I closed myself from everything. I move on and she did not. Married with a child now and she's happy, which I am glad... I doubt I will marry anyone in my state... who would want me even...

So I am back to where I am... in a journey I took 13 years ago... my own self-discover. I stop a few times along the way. I finally can express myself even far better than anyone. And now... my own journey continues. I doubt anyone will understand me even... the people I meet... they are all sorts... only Suet is the closest I can get in understanding a little bit of part of me...

In 5 years... I want to go as far away as possible... I mean, who will stop me even? I know my best friend was telling me don't do it... he said my dream was impossible... I feel, and I believe I can do it... actually, he wanted me to stay... I know... there are some things he can understand me as much but it takes him some time to discover them. Like the other time... wow, he realize what sort of person I am deep inside when I don't even show it. Because on the outside... I'm just a jerk that loves to tease and said crude things... took him a while... but he knew it that's the real me... well, part of it. So he doesn't want me to go... I mean, I don't know what is there for me in Malaysia anymore... seriously... there is no reason for me to stay back... I don't think there is any reason I should stay back...

I want to go... and when I do in 5 years time... I go and never look back. It will be different... and from there, all I can thing about is end the line of my family lineage... and live it to the fullest...

So.. goodbye my foreign friends... but I will still see you guys in Philippines this year and Indonesia the next... :)