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I feel I am compelled to sense that my life is a snafu and that part of my purpose in the world is to give hope and motivate others through my story. Or at least that's what I tell myself from time to time when the going gets tough. I honestly believe; however, that I can persevere through all this and through believing in myself, I can inspire others to believe in themselves too. If anything comes out of this unfortunate series of events, I wish it for that.
I'll first say that I am a believer/follower of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. The philosphy of it all elevates you to a greater state of mind. And I DO actively make an effort to think positively.
With that said, I feel like I have come across snags in so many areas of my life. While I can see this as a great challenge, the ultimate resilient kid situation, I want to believe that life could/should be so much more forgiving.
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
FRIENDSHIPS
SCHOOL
WORK
FINANCE
WELL-BEING
If I learned anything within the past year, it's that you have to continuously and consciously invest energy and time into all aspects of life.
Is it that I spread myself too thin, then? One could say I always had a social life and no problems with friends, but that is very much the biased view of an outsider. A trend since middle school is that I have many friends, but rarely are there close friends or best friends. In the recent past, I think that I relied on significant others to fill in that spot and so easily will I then attach myself to them. Delving even more into this one thought, I can see how I seek that consolation aspect in lovers/opposite sex in general because I am accustomed to not having any close girlfriends or people I would consider exposing a more vulnerable and troubled side.
This vicious attachment to these unknowing persons that may find themselves opposite me in a relationship sets up a case for seemingly disastrous separation anxiety at the time. I say at the time because in comparison to the many other people out in the world, my recovery time is swift. One could most definitely say that I am a resilient person and that my capabilities in enduring and in particular, adapting, are above par. This adapting and enduring; however, has the ability to lead into self-destructing habits or trains of thought as I have witnessed with my last relationship. It was simply not healthy.
Now that I have gotten away from that trap-unwillingly at first, but now appreciative- I feel like I have so much more time in my life to think about what I really want for myself. I've always been scared to admit it, but am becoming more and more open to what I can do with my abilities.
I want to say that I'm losing the urge to fight for what I think I want and slowly letting life take me to where I end up. It's at the very tip of my tongue and at the edge of every step I take. It's not that I want/am letting the course take over my life. I think it's more that I am watching all these things happen to me with amusement and watching myself get through them. This clearly confuses me because while, for the first time I am actually looking and genuinely thinking for myself, I am hesitant to fall under the catefory of passiveness and apathy. That is the exact opposite direction I want to head towards. Without being incredibly cliche, I want to go as far as calling the state-laidback and que sera sera mentality. With positive progress, of course.
It's incredible that I actually am WANTING a clean slate. Well...that's not true, it's not impossible for me to think that; however, I am looking at the past however many years and I see investments in all these areas of life that has, if starting a clean slate in the tabula rasa sense, boiled down to a null value. Optimistically, I say hooray-all I need to do is sharpen the pencil to get this tabula rasa going or the only direction I can go now is up. But, and this is not to be taken totally pessimistically, where do all those investments and lost energy go to then?
RIGHT NOW. That is the crossroad I am at. I feel a sense of accomplishment at being able to detect and realize what I am actually thinking-I attribute to my understanding of myself and Theory of Mind. However, at the same time, I feel like this ONE satisfaction of feeling accomplished in this near ephemeral sense is miniscule to what I should be striving and ferociously stretching for.
I ask for guidance.
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Posted by haileyrain on 2008-06-04 04:32:30 | Rating: | Views: 35
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