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| The Dreams |
I don't know how much more of these dreams I can take. I wake up happy and heartbroken and beg for someone to put me in a comma so that I can sleep forever in a world where I am happy. For those that do not know, I am single and I have been single my entire 24 years of life. I come close to having that special someone in my life and then I come to a dead end when I find out that what I thought was going good was only the guy trying to push me away. Or maybe I push them away. It is sad really. I want so badly to fall in love and become close to someone special, someone who will be my best friend and my lover, but I am so afraid of letting someone get to know me that well. I fear being close to people, physically and mentally. So how in the world can I make a real relationship work? But my dreams show me being close to people, so close that I could almost melt into the guy I am with.
Why happy and heartbroken? This morning I woke from a dream, a glorius dream, with a huge smile on my face. In my dream there was a guy who I could not get close enough too. I had wrapped my arm around his and held on with all my might. He didn't mind, and he smiled as big as I did. We went to my house, a huge house that I only wish I really lived in. I showed him around, I showed him my favorite room, the library. I am a dork and would love a real library in my house. We played on the computers, looked at books and turned on the radio and danced a bit. Then he wanted to see my room. My room is a mess in real life so it only made sense that my room in my dream was a mess. It was about the only thing that I really have in real life. So I show him my room and start cleaning as he looks around. Then my dad comes in wanting to talk to my guy. Then told my guy to leave. But only because I had to go pick up my brother from work (okay another thing that could possibly happen in real life, minus the guy...). So we just stood there, my arms wrapped around his neck from behind, I kiss his cheek and he kisses my hand. It all felt so perfect. And then I woke up.
Now as I type this my stomach turns in...fear of being that close to someone but when I first woke up I wanted to cry because I did not have that. I woke with the feelings of loving this guy still in my head. I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. But alas...I woke and soon the feelings faded but not the dream. And I would love to fall asleep right now just to get that guy back, just to get the feeling of love back. Sadly I have only had a kiss in my dreams, only felt real love (for someone other than family) in my dreams. I want it so bad I could cry an ocean of tears, an ocean of wishes and hope. But nothing ever comes my way. I am just stuck in this day-to-day life with no excitement. Nothing ever changes, except the weather. Nothing ever gets better, only worse. I keep thinking about where I want to be in 10 years.
In 10 years I want to be a famous author, I want to be in love with a great man, married and have at least two little ones running around. I want 2 boys and a little girl. When I see people with babies my heart stops and a tear threatens to release. I want to feel a child inside me, growing, learning. I want to know that I loved someone so much I let him close enough to make a child with me. I do not want some spur of the moment, one night stand thing going on. I just want that type of love in my life and I would almost give anything for it.
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