The sumemr was good, i was back to my old happy self, i wasn't cutting anymore and i was having a ton of fun with my friends. Well me and my friends decided to go to the county fair (it's Iowa what can i say?) When i saw one guy i knew from camp... i went over and was talkign to him when i saw a guy with him.... i thoguht that this guy was really cute, we'll call him Tyler.  I ended up hanging out with Tyler all week at the fair and he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend a week later. He asked me on July 24th it's now november 11 and we are still together and happy.

School started in August. Everythign was great for awhile i was happy i had a boyfriend, although we don't go to the same school, in fact he lives forty-five minutes away from me.   But thigs were good. Then Kyle decided that he wanted me back he started calling me and the conversations would end with me in tears yelling at him.  And jon was back, he's going to our school again. 

School was going good... until i started talking to a senior that i will call J.D, i have always thought he was relaly cute... but i never thoguth it would happen... EVER! and suddenly we were talking and we became good friends. I started to like him as more than a friend and he did the same.  I felt guilty though, because of tyler. i loved tyler yet for some reason i wanted J.D. it was horrible, i decided that i wasn't going to choose either of them at the moment so i told tyler through tears that we needed to take a break while i got my head stright and i todl jd that we couldn't be anythign more than friends at the moment.  

i got really depressed about this and started cutting again. I don't know why i just did.  Then one day Jon called me again.. we started talking and i told him i was cutting again.. he was happy that i had stopped in march but he was disapointed that i had started agin. He's been getting me through all this.

Tyler and i decided that we missed each other horribly and life was difficult without each other. So we got back together. I was todl to stay away from JD by his mom *(gay right?!)* so i only relaly talk to him every other weekend.  Kyle has wuit calling me thank God... but he still looks at me in a weird way in the cafeteria.  Everything is running somewhat smoothly yet i can't seem to stop cutting, then my parents start in on it.. we yell and fight and scream at each other liek hell. Idk wht happened to ruin that peace but somethign did.

The this guy that i know well call him blowjob. *(haha long story but he's a manwhore.) * So blowjob wants in my pants and i kinda like him and thought about letting him. but decided tht i totally did not want used. lol He sits behind me in studyhall and flirts with me all period. 


So last nite was really bad, Jon made me promise to go 24 hours without cutting.... it was a long hard day. It was a really bad day too. For some reason i wanted to end it, so i went into the bathroom and found a couple pil bottles that on the back said "do not exceed two caplets in 24 hours and if swallowed by chilren caontact poison control center IMMEDATELY."  so i grabbed about 43 pills in all and took them, as i was takign them my screen on my phone lit up with the words, "incoming call
                     Jon

I started crying because i knew he would be disapointed and i realized that i didn't want to die. So i ran into the bathroom stuck my finger dwon my throat and made myself throw them back up.   Once i was sure i got all of them out i went back into my room and called Jon... i told him the whoel story and he was so dissapointed but he's glad im alive... he told me to get rid of the rest of the pills but i jst don't know how.. in fact they are sitting right ni front of me as i write this.  

After school Jon came up to me and asked me if i had gotten rid of them yet. i told him i had them in my room still and i didn't know how to get rid of them and he said get rid of them today! and the look on his face, it was said with anger. It scared me. I am supposed to call him again tonite before 11. because i made a promise tht i wouldn't cut myself today either. I haven't yet but i have definately thoguht about it.  I am also kind scared to call jon becasue i still ahven't gotten rid of thesse pills.. i just don't know how.  Im so confused.

Until my next blog

-guitarchick74-