Ok I am going to try to get everything out ...
im scared. Right well romantically i have been out with a boy for about 3 years, and he is amazing absolutely lovely and supportive, he's not perfect but then no one is.  But the thing is i went out with him because we were friends and it seemed so easy to fall into a realtionship, when i was a bit younger guys who wanted me to clearly sleep with me were scary and intimidating.  And now i have a healthy view of sex - but it is like a brother and sister relationship there is no passion.  I didnt go out with him because of attraction that came later but then went very quickly. And to be honest having a boyfirend who isnt trying to sleep with you makes you feel unworthy and unattractive.

In addition last summer he started work at a cafe for money for uni and he met these 16 year old girls who flattered him, came on to him etc - and he stopped calling me and started calling them - he turned into those arrogant men that i tried to avoid in the first place. All though like being hit my lightening- he started to call me and begged forgiveness, said he hated how he had acted, how he had become. And i do believe him but i see the realtionship which had loyalty, security and love now as just a safety net - and that is terrible.  I would never ever cheat on him i want to break up with him first, im not him.

I am 6ft tall - long legs, long limbs and thankfully still a feminine shape but because my boyfriend is shorter and thinner than me (Im a size ten uk) i feel like some escaped zoo animal. Big, ugly and clumsy as hell and thats the total opposite to me im quite delicate and feminine.  I want to feel like a woman, i dont want to be a little girl, a mother, a sister or a possession anymore. And then on saturday night, I went out with my friends hadnt had much to eat and had quite a bit of wine (and i dont drink that often) and one of my friends is a bloke, very attractive, 6ft 5 at least, strongly built, lovely arms just beautiful was looking after me.  I had always assumed he would never like someone like me - he has long red dreadlocks and really confident and loud and im shy and like bambi i.e. pretty naive.  (In fact my friends call me bambi).  There was no sexual thought in my head, he always cuddles our other girl friends but never been that cuddly with me - so i just thought he had finally accepted me or something.  Anyways there was a bit of drunken fumble (which i didnt initiate and did end but cant say i didnt enjoy) and it was a complete shock to me, but i felt things i hadnt felt in years - excitment.  I guess i probably did come one to him subconsciously or something i have always found him attractive.  But i definately didnt ever consciously think oh i wish i was with him or anything.

We didnt go any further and the next day we talked about and it was no big deal - i dont think he fancies me i think he was just feeling a bit lonely or something.  And we are living together next year so it would have been well awkward. And i hate complex and awkwardness i already am that all on my own.

But the moral of the story is that i want that - feeling small and totally encompassed in someones arms and that passion and excitment.  He is just the wrong guy because of the scenario - plus he is not someone you could have a realtionship with. So im going to tell my boyfriend next time i see him that i dont think we should be togther anymore just because we were first loves, i think the warning signs have been there and we just have ignored them.