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| Path to Discovery |
Many things have happened in my life since my last entry.
I have discovered that when a person is done, they are done. When you deal with consistent bull shit, every day...you just stop, take a breath and look around and ask : "Really?! Is this what it HAS to be like? Or am I choosing for it to be like this?"
I have left my husband. Almost 8 years later.
I stayed through verbal abuse, physical abuse, lieing, addictions, drugs, alcohol....you name it, I stayed for it. Until one day....I found text messages that were to and from another girl. i found porn dvds hiding in the truck. I heard the last lie in my ear.
Now you might say porn? wtf? really?
yes. when you are married to someone that hides it and lies about it because they would rather do that by themselves instead of sex with their spouse....yes. I have a problem with that.
I have come to the realization that I am a great damn person and I DO deserve better.
Wether I remarry or never date again, I have come to the conclussion that surrounding yourself in an unhealthy environment, it starts to suck you in. I won't have that.
So. I kicked him out, and he now has his own apartment. I am very happy right now.
I feet as if I had started to find out who I was.
I am centered. You can never let anything invade that space or you will lose your identity. Your focus. Everything.
I then found out that I am almost 30 and have yet to experience an Orgasm.
This has just come to my attention unfortunately, in the last few weeks. Someone asked and I said yes of course i have, but when the description of what one was, came out, I realized I hadn't. ever.
I grew up in a house where we didn't talk about things like that. I had the mom, that you WOULD NEVER go to for questions or answers.
I have never....taken care of things myself, so to speak, so I have just purchased my very first vibrator.
And the damn thing didn't come with directions....Everything battery operated deserves to have directions.
thank god for google i guess. Still, I have not found the courage to use it....
I also thought that maybe I was missing something...down there, since I have not had the O.
So I looked.
And for two weeks I thought I was missing the all important piece. Fortunately I found it.
So I am on a new discovery and adventure. To find out who i REALLY am. Because I obviously don't know.
How can I expect anyone else to get me...when I don't?
Not that THAT is going to define who I am as a person. But its sure gonna help me learn more about being a woman...
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Posted by gotkidz on 2009-10-31 08:30:31 | Rating: | Views: 27
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