so, i am sitting alone, in the dark, in my room. I don't feel like I would want to be anywhere else but in my boyfriends arms, in this bed. My room is all white. High key. Only thing that illuminates me in this room is my mac computer. The light bounces off all of my white walls and onto me. That light feels like the negativity I surround myself by. Hi, I just started a journal to see if there was anyway I could just let out the whole truth. I want to know how it feels. I am a sad college girl whose sick of prostituting to survive in this "great city." I keep asking myself why the eff I thought it was a good idea to come here... and then I sadly remember how much I f*cked things up so bad for myself before, back at home. I miss home so much but if home only knew how sour I have become, it would reject me back out into this ocean of regret. So, here I sit in this ocean trying to figure out my next move. I am sad because I know I am going to continue down this path of molesting myself with these old men. I am sad because I know I am going to never make it in this world. Everyday I want to kill myself but... I wouldn't. I am older now and understand that its just no longer an option. After seeing numerous friends kill themselves and I tried and didn't succeed.. yea.. its just an embarrassing idea all together. Almost as embarrassing as me telling you now I have had sex with over 100s of people. I am so scared inside that when I get checked by the doctor late this month hes going to tell me I have an std. I have no dignity for myself and I want to make everyone so proud Id suck the largest dick for any money just to survive. This place is so f*cking expensive and I am trying to get going back to school. I hate being so poor in such a rich city. I must stay here. I must go back to school. I must make my momma proud. Shes so sick right now. With a rare skin disease. Its killing her and shes lying to me about it. I cant support her living there. I support her more being here. My dad isnt doing well either. I know they dont have long left. Im noticing I didnt always treat them right, they didnt always treat me right. Boys never treated me right, girls never did. I am pretty sure the boyfriend I have right now will ditch me. Is life always so hopeless? Believe me, I smoke pot. I stay positive. Im an artist. I love people. People use me. Now I have nothing left. I am giving out everything that I am to everyone and am still barely surviving. Im sick of being an escort. Its time to move on. But how do you get out when its what you do to survive? How do you just go back to school when your so poor? I am at a loss. All I know is I cant stop thinking about the boy I am currently seeing, hes clouding my mind. I am in love but I still am a working girl? Its so confusing. I feel like jerry springer would even have wide open eyes at my story. My sugar daddies, the people I meet, the things I do. I might have f*cked myself up forever. But, how do you change? I cant do counseling any longer. They don't understand me... Does anyone? I need some sleep. Just saying that much was enough. Even if no one reads this I feel relieved to let it out. I am what I am and I don't want to be judged anymore. I don't want to lie anymore.