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| something beautiful in unreal love...
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Its like everyone called earlier, but found something better.
I think its because everyone resents me... sweet resentment.
But why? My cover is a rich spoiled politicians daughter. Who has a trust fund.
They think I do sick disgusting things because im just fucked up. Or they hear the rumors and are in denial of my fucked up other life. They just choose not to believe the rumors. Im starting to feel this barrier tho... this barrier between me and everyone else. Im not sure if I put it there or if its just because I feel like everyone here hates me so much. People look at me in some kind of disgust sometimes. Or just treat me like Im a fucking idiot. Im not sure what it is. I feel like ive gotten so fat. Im 5'10" 1/2 and 168 lbs. I was 125 this past year. Ever since I stopped fucking all the time late at night and have been hanging around ben and I have gained so much weight. Plus.. Im depressed. I can feel everyone loosing so much respect for me.. all around me... they think Im not good enough. Or they just want to keep this barrier between me and them. Whats wrong with me. im feeling this stress inside of me that makes me want to just go kill myself but Im not. I mean, I would never do that to my family. But fuck if I didnt have a family to live for... i would be sooo done with this world. I consider doing meth again in my head. I think... if I could just do it to get back down to a size 2 I would love myself so much better. My mind would be so free from thinking I was ugly. At the same time, I cant do any more tweek because people everywhere all say that I am crazy. They dont say aw i love her, or oh she is so sweet, they say, oh that bitch is crazy. Why?? I am trying so fucking hard to be there, be sweet, be good to people and all I get is she is "crazy?" Im really feeling like saying fuck you to everyone lately and its hard to even see my sugardaddy anymore. I mean, I was crying with my back turned to him sleeping in his bed the other night. I didnt know if its because I felt guilty he gave me 1500 dollars, or it was the fact I had to be going to bed with a man who is almost 70 to get it. I mean, I dont know what to think of myself anymore. Who am I? I went from a high class girl, a sweet girl, a good to her boyfriend girl, a special girl, to looking through the glass darkly. I want my innocence back. I feel like everyone can see directly into my dark heart. I dont wear makeup anymore, I dont try to shower, I dont try to care lately. I dont care about this place anymore I think. Im losing track of my work. I dont know... I just hope I can finish school... hopefully i will make it. Sorry my writing is all scrambled, Im just all a mess and all tears today.
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Posted by goodlovebadlove on 2008-03-31 00:35:00 | Rating: | Views: 94
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You have to love yourself, for anyone else to love you. People don't respect you because they don't respect you choice of "professions". This is not meant to get you down, just to give you someone elses view. Just keep your head up and love yourself first, because in the end...YOU are all you've got.
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Posted by whoiam
on 2008-04-01 11:43:47
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I keep waiting for you to update on what is going on. I enjoy listening to you. I think you are smarter than you realize.
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Posted by whoiam
on 2008-04-09 01:23:08
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