but instead i am writing a blog... 
i went to see an old friend tonight.. he used to be one of my clients.
i look up to him as a photographer.. but not for his blow job obsession.
it was nice to tell him, "no" simply, no. you cant have my mouth.. you can not have my body.. but we can be friends..
and it was nice for a change to tell a man no.
right before i went to my friends i got a text from the last (or really the only) guy i have been seeing lately
the guy i knew really didnt care about me.. well ya.
he fucking text me to see if i would fucking shoot his xgf for the suicide girls.. cuz apparently she is trying to be in it.
i basically was what he called  "being a brat about it" and said "fuck no, shes not pretty enough" without even looking at her.
he told me he was still in love with her.. and basically i was put in my place once again as a fucking damn whore.
i hate it, i really do.
i cant have a relationship with someone because i might have to whore myself out at some point for cash, and its not fair, i always have to have myself on the fucking stupid market. 
well lately, im sick of the fucking market.
i need love, i need a real fucking lover, i want to love sex again and i want someone to love me for real.
its getting close to the end, i can see it.
i dont see myself lasting much longer in this shithole of a mindstate i have been throwing myself into over the past couple of years. and i dont ever see myself with a man who will take me seriously.
i wont let them, cuz i cant let myself trust them, because i can not make it with out being untruthful somewhere because i know that they will soon not take care of me either just like he just showed he wasnt able to do with his "im still in love with her" bullshit...
so where am i at then? who am i truely with? no one.
who wants to be with me?
no one.
and where will i end up?
all by myself.
so whats the point in living?
family.
so where should i take myself?
back the fuck home.
i answer all my own questions so beautifully but we all know i can never leave because the problems at home become so much greater i always wish for somewhere else...
:( 
lost is where i am at, and its all my blogs talk about.. wishing somewhere i could find myself. 
wishing somewhere for normalcy.. 
yes, i know we can all fight the whole "well what is normal" bullshit but really, i fucking deserve some normal.
so, where do i take it from here?