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Because I just broke the cardinal rule of secret blog writing- checking my blog on a friends computer. Oh well. I dont give a fuck. My life in the past couple of days has been interesting. I found out how depressing other lives can be compared to mine... more of them I mean. Its not like this is new. I constantly surround myself with people like this in my kind of business... its just what we have to do. I should be more clean about my tracks with this however because I am so paranoid of facing the truth through the people who really love me. What if you cared or not what I am? Who cares anyway right? Why do I fear people judging my actions anyway. So, enough of that.. it was really awesome to freak the fuck out of this girl last night. The stupid heroine addict was scared of me and what I was doing to daddy. she cried. HA, Some tweekers are so week and its sad they are so fueled with denial. They miss what they are fucking up on so easily. This girls gonna lose her free ride and get fucked with a needle tonight like shes been desperately needing... I cant believe he just bails girls out of jail in hopes to fuck them and make them stay with him to enjoy the retired life. Its too funny to make her watch two other working girls fucking me with my arms tied to my feet, whips, nipple clamps. In short, I am in recovery from it right now. But... I dont enjoy this anymore. I enjoy the $$$$... yes... dollar signs.. and daddy wanted to watch. I dont want to do it anymore. I think I am in love with my boyfriend.. but if I quit I will lose everything. This paid my tuition. Meanwhile, I am freaking out about school and how I can learn more when my mind is boggled up in the game. I want more than anything to become something amazing in the photography industry but I cant do shit when I am spreading myself across the country to survive. Fuck this, I am sick of this situation. Constant fight that I hope will some how disappear. I am not comfortable in my bed right now getting stoned, watching family guy, laughing and smiling. Instead, I am downstairs in the cold, dark, red walls, alone, sad, broken, unfixable, over it. And one more bong rip before I go to bed. Too many thoughts cloud my head right now, I cant even put it down... I think i put my feelings down best from my heart when I wrote this two years ago when I was dealing with losing chris. I cant express how I wish I could have cured him. Its sad there is no progression since then. Still sad, still depressed. Please Dont Dont leave me a lone Im cutting and dying inside Putting a smile out this time-just one You dont care that its just you I confide hearwrenching pain falls from my eyes your smashing my heart with your humorous lies take me out God, pull me away its not like they see what the fuck I say charming looks, let me batt my lashes I am going to burn it all, its not where love is can you deny me 20 more times cause I am not sure if your lying may be you can torture me more you like it when my head hits the floor fuck me, leave me, break me down pick me up, pass me around good for everyone , not for myself lock me up and strap me to this belt make me smile, make me cry just make me die.