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| I wish I could somehow tell you everything.
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I wish somehow I could just make it my own movie. To show you everything so that it would all make since. I show people I know in real life a fake happy face nine times outta ten. But when it comes to my core, your witnessing the center of it.
People don't typically post private blogs to talk about how they took there dog on a walk, then had a glass of wine. They post them to release what they have been dying to say for so fucking long, it burns deep with in them, just itching to be released. I have some pretty big brick walls around my heart and I make sure to only let in those who can fuck it all up. Can I just say to you that this must be the only non self destructive communication I have in my life? Because I don't want to disappoint you by telling you.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.. which is why I do so much. I am going to school with people in a tight group. They all know I am pretty fucking far off from perfect and so do I. I must be the most annoying, or most uninspiring. I must be the most fucked up. I must be.. not ever good enough. Everyday its becoming a battle inside and I am searching for an exit. I figure its cause Im fat or something. People say, your not fat, your beautiful. OK so I checked my weight, and its all in my head. if its not that, then its my personality? Or its the way I articulate? Or is it because I hold all of my energy inside to come out in all different spurts of insanity? Im thinking I can evaluate myself for ever and still not figure it out.
Do you know what I am really scared of though? I am scared of no one ever really loving me. Even more than that? Never being able to truly fall in love with some one again and really believe inside they wont hurt me. Im sick of sounding like I am complaining. There are beautiful amazing people in horrible situations that die everyday and what am I doing? Rambling on and on.. writing blogs.. complaining. There is a big world out there and I chose to hide in my bed right now. I'm hiding from hurt and I hide from disappointing others. I feel I will never meet approval.
If I keep torturing myself, Im going to kill myself. The tortures creeping up on me day by day. I know as well as you know, no one is going to stop it but myself. I feel like my heart is starting to fade to a mustie brown from the vibrant red it once was. Maybe its all the cigarettes and weed I pound day after day to just medicate my anxiety and loneliness.
Yes, I want the career, the husband, the kids, the two car garage, the love. But I think Aesop Rock said it right for me when he said, " Life's not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman, you only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy, Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests, Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk a princess."
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Posted by goodlovebadlove on 2008-05-12 01:40:48 | Rating: | Views: 107
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My past relationships have messed me up so much that I know very well that I won't ever love like I loved before. You know, the one person that truly loves you is 'you.' If you don't feel that you do, then you always will be suffering. I am too.
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Posted by tanna
on 2008-05-12 02:37:01
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please dont let it get to the point where you turn suicidal. there is always another way out of your problems.
i think getting off weed would be a start, it will save you heaps of money and in time get you off prostitution for good. I think you could realize that you are worth more than you think. like tanna said you've got to learn to love yourself before anyone else can. i hope it all works out.
xx
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Posted by kateee
on 2008-05-13 09:26:03
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take a deep breath, try to release the tensions,
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Posted by rebelheart
on 2008-05-19 20:45:04
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