Thoughts.com Blogs - I finally cried.

I stayed up late last night to work on some stuff but couldn't. My mind was so overwhelmed with everyone else's problems... and since I never deal with my own, thats an even bigger problem. I drove to school in my car this morning that is fucking falling apart. I hate that car. Then I sit in this class which I am paying a lot of money for and the teacher goes way to fast for me. Then, when I ask questions, its like he's refusing to help. Im so lost on everything in that class and its only my second week in this session and I am so far behind already. And I feel like all the other people in that class are so on top of the fucking ball dude. I feel like I have too much going on to even concentrate on what hes even saying. Im spacing out into my own delirium. I drove all the way home crying to myself like a pathetic baby about how heartbroken I am inside. After all Ive done to myself, Im still looking god in the face and asking why? Theres so much pressure on me right now and its so hard to hold it all in and do everything that I got to do. I have so many issues going on at the new place that I am living at and Im looking around at the people I am friends with and I dont trust anyone anymore. I feel like I cant even trust my family looking back. Im slowly realizing that no one fucking likes me. Here or there. And the only kind of glory I get from a person is sleeping with fucking old men that still say Im not fucking good enough. And its just like.. here I am... ya know.. I want be something. I know I have a reason to be here. Im not happy anywhere. But at least while I am here, I look good serving a purpose in life. Maybe making someone proud to say my name. I just want to take everything that anyone ever gave me including myself and burn it. Its just things. Its not real. Im starting to wonder if there is anyone real anymore. I hate what the world chewed me up and spit me back out as. I just want so desperately to believe that someone loves me, really truly loves me. Its not just trying to fuck me all the time and pressure me to take over me. How am I supposed to stand proud before the world when your not here chris? Your the only one I knew really loved me. Ever since I lost you, I lost myself. I knew it and everyone else did. I keep the music playing, I keep myself on my phone, I keep myself driving, I keep everyone catered to, I work constantly and I wont ever let myself stop, shut up and fucking feel the silence. Because my silence is so loud, its like sirens going off. Its me looking at myself face to face again. I cant do it. I cant face it. Its like apart of me died and I dont know how to get it back and Im so distraught about it. I dont know what to do to fix me. I dont think anyone else really knows either. Its hard to quit smoking weed, and doing drugs sometimes because I am a huge medicater. My only true addiction is cigarettes, which I keep in the closet most of the time. Just like stupid escorting. Man, Im so ready to just lay in a bed with strong arms around me keeping me safe, knowing it was my true love. Unfortunately I dont think I can ever trust any guy or even girl again. I mean, you go night after night with some old doctor you let manipulate your mind, and continually makes you feel bad for not being there all the time, and holds your life over your head. Its not one, its many. And then, sometimes they do drop my life and I have to pick it up and fix it on my own. And that sucks just as bad. Dont think that I would ever kill myself.. I love my little brother too much to set an example like that. Plus, Ive already had huge losses to suicide and I couldnt bare the thought. But I am suicidal with out the suicide, I do admit. And its just because my stomach is swelling up with so much pain, my heart is more than just broken, and my head is beyond spinning with confusion. Everyone tells me enough to shut me up, they cant deal with me. But then they tell me the opposite, that I hold too much in. Well what the fuck do you want me to do? Give you a million dollars? Now will you care? Or I meant, have sex with you? Fuck I dont know. Im at a lost for even editing this blog or trying to make since of any of it. I just hope one day I figure it all out. Because Im falling the fuck apart.