letting out my emotions so that i can suck in more pain from the world.
its so cold and dark in my heart today. last night i played cards with this guy i kinda like... he doesnt have time for me, and i dont have time for him, hes not cute, hes very hairy, hes about a decade older than me, he has a huge dick, but at least hes not paying me for sex. Fuck i just want a normal relationship, i am seriously thirsty for someone to love me. Im drying out and theres nothing left. California has murdered my spirit, broken my heart and shown me things i never thought i could do, or just see. I have been overly manipulated then blamed day after day, hour after hour, i hate everyone, leave me alone.
I woke up this morning completely drunk still, next to him, him who does but i know really doesnt care. I was sore, i was on my period, fuck i hate being on my period. Im so broke right now. Because i cant hook right now.
I have been meandering over my facebook all day. Staring at these fake bitchy friends who used me, and i see them, they are happy, they are loved, they are fullfilled, and the worst thing thats going on in there lives right now is they ordered the wrong bridesmaid dress. I hate it. Im happy they dont have to endure my pain but i hate it.
And for some reason i deal with being hated so much all the time. My friend tim put it to me real fuckin nice n easy today online when he said i was just an online friend, that i dont matter and im all bullshit. Its too hard for me to drive to la at all when i am busy trying to fucking make some god damn money, stay in fucking school and wipe everyone elses ass so i can get some kind of love and respect. Ya, please, cum all over my fucking beautiful face so i can take your money and stay n school, or get groceries, or fuckin live. fuck.
I am forced in my own head to go see ben tonight. First i am very broke and i think he might give me some money to help my ass out. I made a huge mistake of going out of town for a bit and it fucked up everything. I just wanted to take some fucking better pictures and find inner peace. Fuck my work has fucking gone to complete shit over last yr because of all the horrible changes in my life, i just want to do better. I feel so pathetic. I honestly thought of killing myself all fucking day.
I would never.. but i want to.
SO, yes, the thought of going over to bens and sleeping next to him fuckin destroys me okay. it fucking burns me deep. he wants me to go shoot guns with him tomorrow all day. I am going to be sooo tired. He doesnt fucking understand. I dont know how to tell him. I feel so guilty. Hes given me so much money. He paid for my school, he helped me get my loans, he helped me fix my car, and if something horrible happens to me, i have no one else to save me but ben. I should love him but how can i? Hes sick. He is fucking girls in their 20s. Hes past 65 now and i dont think its right he does it. I feel like im going to regret it if i dont go. I feel like no one cares, and hes the only one that ever did. I hate being a woman, fuuucckk. I hate myself. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.
I try so hard to love me, but how? How anymore?
And the other guy i was with last night texted me to come out with him and his cousin... i feel like he is really starting to try... fuck but i have to go be with ben.. its hard sometimes. really is. I just told him i was too hungover from last night to go out. Suuxx. It all started with ben with fucking hooking... he ordered me, 350 an hour, i came over, he talked about girls who lived with him.. crackheads.. he spoiled and would fuck them all the time. Then he would take me in his room and fuck me. Tell me how amazing i am and how horrible they were. This went on for so long... then i start telling him my problems eventually. He takes care of them. Like my dui i got. He paid that for me.. he paid my tuition.. he paid my way out of an airport parking lot when i was stranded in la on thanksgiving.. he fixed my car up.. ive told him i loved him back.. it was a lie. I love what he has done for me.. but honestly he scares me.
One time i swore i was never going to see him again.. it was after i did an overnight with him. He gave me like 1500 bucks for the night.. so youd think id be happy... but no. I got in the car and just fuckin let it all fuckin out man. I swore i would never see him again. But that didnt happen. And here i am.. obligated to go see him tonight. My last night to go out before school starts up again.. no one is home at my new place. Fuckin blows.
But yea...all these older men.. i seek to take care of me.. fucked me up. A lot. I need help. I realized that today. I am starting to dip into my old habits again..i dont want to end up in a rehab center. I got to figure this out.
Someone help me. Im even considering going into a church and praying to god for forgiveness at this point.
