THE SCENARIO -
     I’m standing next to the pool and analyzing the damage from a typical violent Arizona dust storm. The pool was murky with dust, dirt, and covered with leaf debris from the surrounding trees. At the bottom of the pool were several of the neighbor’s lawn chairs that the storm had blown in. In addition to the problem pool clean-up at hand, the Air Conditioning compressor had gone out and we were without air conditioning in the middle of Summer.

THE ALTERCATION -
     My wife joined me poolside and in an extremely agitated tone asked me how the neighbor’s “lawn chairs got into the pool (?).” I told her that the neighbors “probably left them on the pool decking and the storm blew them into the pool.” She immediately turned from agitated to hostile. “Did you tell them that they could use the pool while we were away?”
     “Yes, I did tell them they could use the pool.”
     She was absolutely LIVID that the neighbors came over to our house while we were away, used the pool, left their lawn furniture on the deck and a storm came and blew the chairs into the pool.

LEAD-UP -
     The entire family had just returned from a two week vacation in San Diego. We were camping at a popular beach RV-type campground on Mission bay, and sleeping in our pop-up tent-camper. In addition to our family, the trip included my wife’s sister from N.Y. and her family of four.
     When camping, there is always an absence of privacy.
     Prior to leaving for California, I went to the neighbor and politely asked him to “keep on eye on the house while we’re away. We’ll be gone for two weeks and if you see any suspicious activity, please call the police. While we’re away, feel free to use the pool.” 
     My wife often agrees to requests from various people. Our pool is used by different neighbors, church youth groups and family friends whether or not we are at home. She NEVER checks with me first, before authorizing its use.
     The kids and my wife’s sister’s family were emptying luggage and belongings from the camper and the cars. As my wife and I stood poolside she began excoriating me for allowing the neighbors the use of the pool while we were away. She got right up in my face and chastised me for not only allowing the use but she was also enraged for my not having checked with her first. She spoke in disapproving, stern, agitated tones but kept the dialogue relatively quiet so that neither the neighbors nor her sister could hear the altercation taking place by the pool. I tried to explain that our neighbors were kind enough to keep an eye on the house and be alert for any problems that may take place. I offered the use of the pool as a small consolation for keeping our home safe.
     The explanation that I offered only enraged her more.

DAMAGE (out of) CONTROL - 
     As her excoriation was escalating, my wife’s sister stepped out of the house and onto the deck above the pool to view the pool and its waterfall. Immediately my wife dropped the viscous attack and returned to friendly attitude and congenial speaking tones. I assumed that the attack was over.
     I spent the balance of the day brushing and cleaning the pool. Once the pool was clean, all together we then had a pleasant evening of swimming and we cooked a nice barbecue outside.
     When we all went to bed that evening, my wife turned her back to me, put the pillow over her head and went right to sleep. Obviously, the use of the pool by the neighbors represented an infraction worthy of the administration of a sentence of ‘COLD TREATMENT’. Happy-face dialogue and congenial attitude were deferred. 
     Don’t let the fact that we’ve had no privacy or personal closeness time for over two weeks convince anyone that the neighbor’s use of the pool wasn’t worthy of such administration of sexual justice (sarcasm).   Being apart for two weeks meant that the delivery of ‘COLD TREATMENT’ was even more harsh.
The following morning when I got up and went into the kitchen, my wife was cutting up fruit, toasting bagels and pouring juice. She pleasantly offered me a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel and she even buttered it for me.     
     Clearly the poolside problem had run its course and she was back to normal.
     I spent the day working on the roof trying to get the air conditioner repaired. Our N.Y. company spent the morning swimming in the pool. We had a nice lunch together and then the group went to the mall shopping. I returned to the roof and continued to work on the A/C unit.
     In the evening, my wife cooked a meal and we watched a movie on TV. I sat close to her. Clearly the poolside problem had run its course and she was back to normal (or so I thought).
     When we all went to bed that evening, inside the privacy of the bedroom as my wife readied herself for bed, I was again given the silent treatment. She was back to slamming the drawers on the bathroom cabinet and then she turned her back to me, put the pillow over her head and went right to sleep. Withholding personal contact, loving private time and any emotional contact represents the infliction of sexual punishment.
     She was still seething from my allowing the neighbors to use the pool.
     The third day home from our San Diego vacation, went just like the first two days. She was congenial and happy when people were present and she was vicous when no one was watching. She held private her psychological abuse and put on a phony face for the witnesses. We went to bed and she turned her back on me and pulled the pillow over her head.

ANALYZATION / DETERMINATION -
     I'm not sure that in any circumstances neither the wife nor the husband should withdraw or curtail vocal, emotional and physical contact from each other, for any period of time, whatsoever. When harsh blame and fault-finding for things that happen in and around the family and home become the central focus of either a wife or a husband, there is no end to finding reasons to be mad. Reasons to be mad at your spouse are lurking within every ‘nook and cranny’ of our lives.
     When a spouse walks into a situation looking for a reason to incite an altercation, surely she (or he) will find that reason. When no viable condition for argument exists and a general attitude for promoting altercation does, it will lead to manufacturing a reason to fight and thus use denying sex as a means of administering marital punishment.
     When my wife decided that she was going to escalate emotional determination that the pool shouldn’t have been used by the neighbors without her expressed permission, she chose a completely benign situation to provoke a major altercation. She privately presented this altercation over a three day period. Any retaliation for such behavior would then be viewed as my unwillingness to accept wrongdoing (imagined or real). Because her determination (in her eyes), is certainly justifiable, any retaliation on my part would only exacerbate the problem.
     What causes a wife to want so badly to harbor ill-feelings and foster unwaranted rage?  What makes a person go looking for a fight?  Why do such simple things become fodder for the breakdown of a marriage? 

RETALIATION -
     On that following day (now the 4th day home), while my wife and her sister were sitting in the kitchen together, and she had returned to congenial speaking, she told me of their plans to go out to dinner in the evening. After three nights of dishing out, behind closed doors, severe ‘COLD TREATMENT’, and three days of pretending that she was a nice person, I told her in no uncertain terms… “I don’t want to go anywhere with YOU.”
     After 3 days and 3 VERY FRIGID nights, I would no longer receive her treatment of me as acceptable. She was cold, rude and a mean-spirited person for absolutely NO REASON whatsoever. For those 3 days I viewed her behavior as unacceptable the entire time but now was no longer willing to overlook it. I exercised no more tolerance, I disconnected from her and gave back the same like-treatment to her that she gave to me, only I didn’t hide it behind a ‘happy face’, or behind closed doors. Everyone was aware that I was disconnected.

THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR -
     The marriage counselor steps into a serious breakdown and asks the husband, "Why would you include everyone around you in a marital spat? Why would you openly bring this matter to the attention of your out-of-town company?"             (HUH?)
     Obviously, the counselor is a woman. It is apparently the husbands fault for displaying the altercation to unconcerned / uninvolved persons.
     Why wouldn’t the marriage counselor analyze the wife’s motives for initiating such an altercation and dramatizing it for such an extended period of time? Why wouldn’t the marriage counselor find the wife’s actions as unacceptable? Why wouldn’t the marriage counselor determine that the husband wouldn’t have brought the altercation to everyone’s attention if the wife didn’t manufacture (out of whole cloth), and initiate the problem to begin with.

ADVICE -
     I defer to the experts, but offer for such turbulent fights of the day, as potential recommendations;
When your wife is on the WARPATH and manufactures an altercation out of thin air, just apologize for your wrongdoing and accept any punishment as deserving. Recognize that she is probably right and you are definitely wrong (intense sarcasm).  Regardless of how damaging or emasculating it is personally, just accept it. 
     Divorce and the legal division of property combined with the legal expenses that result from a wife’s determination to be absolutely ‘RIGHT’ in all matters is far more unjust.