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| ANATOMY OF DIVORCE - Bedtime Stories - "What, if I
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SCENARIO -
I'm getting ready for bed, and I'm taking all of my clothing off, including my underwear. My wife sees that I'm disrobing completely and asks me what I'm doing(?). I non-chalantly explain that I'm getting ready for bed. "So why are you taking off all of your clothes?" "Because, I'm getting ready for bed." When she fully understood what I was planning for she asked me... "What if I don't feel like it?"
THE ALTERCATION / STABBED IN THE HEART -
I couldn't believe what she had just said. I was startled (to say the least). I was so startled that I asked her "WHAT?" She repeated more clearly and definitively... "What, if I don't feel like it?"
I was so devastated by that rhetorical question (certainly more of a statement than a question), that I just got up, re-dressed myself and left the room. I couldn't even look at her.
LEAD-UP -
I had a really bad chest cold (killer flu) that lasted a full week (maybe 8 or 9 days). Needless-to-say, there is no 'closeness' time dedicated to each other. There is no reason to pass-forward a flu on to anyone for any reason. As my recuperation was ending, my wife had a reunion scheduled within her family and flew-out to N.Y. to spend time with her sisters. She was gone for about 10 days. When she returned we only had time in passing as I was scheduled to work on a paint job in another city. I spent yet another week+ away from her and apart from any 'closeness' time together.
We had been apart (sexually speaking) for nearly a month. We are now together, alone and the kids have gone out to do what teens do on Saturday nights. It is still early enough to get some time dedicated to 'closeness'.
"What, if I don't feel like it?" was not what I expected to hear.
DAMAGE (out of) CONTROL / REALIZING IMPORTANCES -
She followed me into the livingroom and said, "Come-on back to bed, we can do it, if you want to."
Obviously, she had no clue what a severely damaging blow she delivered in such a short sentence. She not only didn't have a clue how much damage she had done, she assumed that it was repairable with a simple romp. Who would want to 'make love' as a re-payment for a cruel indiscretion.
She had reduced the value of our sexual lives down to a mere whim at the emotional moment of what her feelings are at that (or any) given moment. She makes the decision as to OUR SEX LIVES based on whether or not she "FEELS LIKE IT." She introduced to me, after years of marriage, just how casual and calous she views our intimate time together. It represents a clear, uncut statement of value that is irrefutable.
In order to have this type of question rolling around in your head, you have to discard so many important things that represent and make up a marriage. You have to disregard all the things that we do for each other whether or not we feel like it.
:I often have to drive and hour and twenty minutes through the most grueling traffic on Phoenix streets to get to a given job. During that drive, I'm fending-off near misses and potential life threatening accidents. The stress is absolutley horrible and I have anxiety attacks regularly. I know what is necessary to fund our family and all of our needs. I never once said "What, if I don't feel like it?"
:Once I get to any given job, I'm often working outside in 112 degree Phoenix summer heat. We start hitting high 80's in late February. We continue with hot weather through to late October. For that outdoor work and hot weather I'm often toting heavy buckets of paint, setting up large ladders, carrying bundles of shingles up to rooftops, etc... With all of the trauma of normal everyday work-loads, I'm fully aware of what is necessary to fund our family and all of our needs. I never once said "What, if I don't feel like it?"
:At the end of the work day, in the return there is yet another drive-time opportunity to try and survive an hour+ of stressful traffic .
It isn't just work that causes serious reflection and begs the question... "What, if I don't feel like it?" We have on-going needs in owning our homes; yard work, pool cleaning, car maintenance, normal family laundry cleaning needs, etc., etc., etc... We make sacrifices all the time for each other that could easily be dismissed or discarded if we didn't realize their importance. We place value on each other and we respect each other's needs and desires whether or not we "feel like it."
ANALYZATION / DETERMINATION -
I'm not sure that in any circumstances we have the right to beg the question... "What, if I don't feel like it?" Try to keep in mind that we aren't talking about people that have medical problems or illnesses that inhibit or preclude time dedications to each other's needs and desires. We aren't talking about people that are young and immature about matters of the heart and love realities. We are talking about people that have years of sacrifice attached to each other.
I think that more so, the question to be begged is... why would SHE, after a month of abstinance and absence NOT be EVERY BIT as much looking forward to some dedicated closeness time, as her husband is? Why is he so anxious for such time and she hasn't given any thought to it. Why would the question "What, if I don't feel like it?" even be entertained as conscious thought. A wife has to believe that there is something absolutely different and unique about this act than any other act done for and on behalf of each other. You certainly can't compare it to running an errand to the grocery store to pick up some milk and eggs, but there are yet many other occasions where meaningful sacrifices are made and done so without examination of what emotional cost is extracted. Those endeavors are performed for the good of the marriage and family.
The wife has to place her motivation solely on whim and momentary emotional decision-ing. How shallow and selfish can that be? Wives for all time have been placing this 'love making' into the questioning category of...
"is this a DUTY? Is it a responsibility, or a requirement? What if I don't feel like it?"
RETALIATION - WHAT IF?
Is it acceptable for a husband to come and tell his wife that despite the fact that they need the health insurance and the income, he doesn't like his boss and he doesn't feel like going to work? Should traffic realities sway our decision to work or not work on any given day? Can he jeopardize his mortgage and car payments with an on-the-spot momentary emotional decision. "At this juncture, I'm not motivated to keep my job." Is it acceptable for a husband to opt-out of home care or child care responsibilities because he doesn't feel like it is a good day. Can he question his immediate feelings on any important matters, or should he realize the value of his endeavors and fulfill accomplishments with out the examination of momentary emotions or superfalous questioning?
Should his wife have realized the value of his accomplishments and never entertained the thoughts of what her personal whims were at that specific moment.
REALLY; what is important to her?
THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR -
The marriage counselor steps into a serious breakdown and asks the husband, "What is she supposed say if she doesn't feel like it?"
Obviously, the counselor is a woman. It is apparantly the husbands fault for not priming the wife with flowers and soft music until she felt like it. You certainly shouldn't expect a wife to actually ''FEEL LIKE IT."
:"After all; if she were to have sex because you go to work and earn a living, that the whole family is benefited by, isn't that like prostitution?"
:"After all; it is a woman's BODY."
It really shouldn't matter or be taken into consideration that the man's body was used to haul the shingles up to the roof top; or that the man's knees were ruined while laying tile for 60 hours this week; or the man's back was strained hauling wheelbarrows full of cement.
Realistically; it shouldn't even matter what the husband does for a living. Whether he's at a desk all day or under a car, he makes sacrifices and dedicates his time and energies. It shouldnt' even matter if he likes his job or not. His sacrifices are dedications to the family. He works along side of his wife to meet the same end and enjoy the same successes and failures. Typically without asking "What, if I don't feel like it?"
If a woman feels that she is performing sex as a duty or a responsibility, that concept represents the bigger problem. If she has looked over all that her husband has done for her and the family and doesn't find that attractive or sensual or worthy of her time and dedication, then the bigger problem is in fact insurmountable. If she has overlooked all that he does and the sacrifices he makes on behalf of the family, then that ignorance could easily lead to questions like, "What, if I don't feel like it?"
ADVICE -
I defer to the experts, but offer a soft landing strip for the turbulant flights of the day, as potential recommendations. |
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Posted by gmr8of11 on 2008-02-28 21:08:31 | Rating: | Views: 138
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I have a suggestion....ask her what she feels like doing and stuff like that
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Posted by Fang
on 2008-02-28 21:17:02
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I've enjoyed reading your blogs. You are extremely articulate and your blogs are very well thought out.
Thankfully, you saw the REAL issue at the end of your blog - the BIGGER problem...thankfully, there is couple's counseling going on. I am a counselor and do not take sides. I listen and will always point out both sides of the issue, but usually one person is not invested in the relationship. One is more engaged than the other. It doesn't take long to figure out who that is.
Good luck, gmr. Hang in there, work at communicating, but don't give up on your needs, ever.
Peace.
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-03-04 15:25:31
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Ellie,
I'm surprised that as a counselor you'd spend time absorbing additional peoples' hardships. I'd think that in your off time you'd get away from the traumas that people endure and want to see or do something light-weight. When I get done working, at the end of the day, I can't come home and paint my own house.
You've seen my points of view but you haven't seen (yet) that I'm an over-react-er. I haven't figured out how to write my role. I seem to stick on the fact that she draws FIRST BLOOD.
Gary
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Posted by gmr8of11
on 2008-03-04 18:55:51
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This may be true for some women, but she doesn't seem like the logical type. If you really love someone and are MARRIED (clearly you must have loved each other at some point) There should be no point in time when she doesn't 'feel' like it.
Also, true she may have just said it by mistake, but then she went on to say 'we can do it if you want to', not im sorry that was insensitive, thats not what i meant etc etc... just that he would OBviously be the only one wanting it.
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Posted by yellow
on 2008-03-18 04:34:30
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