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Her.

This is what i wrote last time i felt sad..
it seems quite melodramatic. it's not how i feel all the time it's how i felt at the time.
looking back i appear pretty selfish because i know i am a lot more fortunate than many people but it's how i felt at the time.
nice.

As she sat on her bed, a tear slowly crawling down her face, she thought about her life. She didn’t try and hold it in; she was past caring now. Why did she feel this way? She was pretty sure some people would kill for her life, so why was she so miserable? She went to a posh boarding school- one of the best in the country. Her sister didn’t. They couldn’t afford it for both. She was privileged.
   Yes, it was because she had no choice. She had to move school, her parents couldn’t cope with how different she had become in her old school- how different her old friends had become. Gone from being so happy and popular, she had no one. No one wanted to know her. It didn't even cross her mind that 8 weeks away in the summer would cause her friends to grow apart from her. to move on. to lose interest. So moving to this school where her cousin went was the best idea. A new school. A new life. A new start.
   She quickly made friends and became the happiest girl alive. Although still more reserved from the ridiculously loud and bubbly character she used to be, her confidence grew again- bit by bit. Her best friends became apparent. Three boys, a girl and her cousin. Those three boys were lovely, cheeky, and genuinely nice. Like the boys she had always been so close to. There were others too- she got on best with boys, but these were special. Two of them became her closest friends who she saw most days and told them everything. One of them was still a good friend but not as close. She liked how easy going he was. The girl shared a room with her in boarding school. She made such an effort with her and helped her to feel welcome, making her feel appreciated, how she hadn’t felt in a long time. Seeing her cousin everyday cheered her up incredibly. They had always got on so well.
She didn’t have to be the most popular or the smartest anymore. There was no pressure. No one was judging her. She stopped stressing over work. She was happy.
   It’s funny how history always repeats itself, how things change so quickly. Two years later into what she believed was a solid close friendship the girl who she had felt the closest to turns against her for two girls she sees as a better option. They disliked that girl a lot previously, but seemed to want her when they weren’t interested in HERSELF anymore. Maybe to spite her, take away the person who means so much to her. Blame her for the problems they, themselves had. So much for not feeling judged.
   As a four they had all been very close. Until the other two disliked her close friend. ‘She’s not like us’ they’d say. ‘we don’t want her around’. Then one day it all turned around. She, herself became the one they didn’t want. The cousin and the two boy best friends remained.. There are a few others too. A couple of girls in house. But still, she felt alone.
   Rejection was always a difficult thing for her to overcome. She didn’t like it one bit. She had always been the most liked, and most highly regarded in her previous school. Here, she feels rejection like it cuts through her chest, a sunken feeling in her stomach. Useless. Unwanted. Lonely. The girls she hung around were always talking about her- she felt. She was paranoid, uncomfortable. The old quiet and reserved girl came back. Who was she?
   But then why should she feel so hard done by? Just three girls turning against her..? They were everything to her at one point. It all changed too quickly- she doesn’t like change. Change ruins everything. Her grades weren’t top like usual, her illness had overcome her and caused a great deal of stress and her family was falling apart.
   Family. Meant to stay together and be strong. Be there for each other. Her family were seriously mucked up. For one man to destroy a whole family affected her and her cousin greatly. Was she going to be able to stay at school? Was her lifestyle going to have to change? Would this be apparent to the wealthy boarding students? She never got on with her parents. They didn’t understand her - not one bit. She knew she was different. She had a careless attitude but cared about everything. She seemed to be in a constant argument with her parents, who got increasingly stressed by the minute.
   What was she good at? Certainly not keeping hold of friends. There must be something wrong with her. Twice she lost the three of the most important girls in her life. She must have done something wrong; something which turned people against her- maybe she wasn’t a nice person. Her academics were slipping, she was useless at sport- that was the sister’s criteria, and she lacked in other skills. Useless. Good for nothing. What is her purpose?
   How can someone feel so alone, when they have such good, loyal, close friends? Even if just a few. Maybe because all the people she became close to turned against her. She can never let herself get too attached, because people are mean. They drop you, they get bored of you, they don’t want you.
She has the perfect boyfriend. He loves her and she loves him. So why isn’t she happy? She doesn’t deserve him, he will break up with her sooner or later. She’s too odd, useless, quite clearly psychologically insane. And most of all, how can he find her attractive. He is considered very attractive, in all the sports teams, one of the best academically, amazing. No matter how much she tried with her appearance, she knew she’d always look about 3 years younger than she was. She had heard the girls laugh at how ‘immature’ she was, based purely on looks and height. She was small, young-looking. Her boyfriend is two months younger than her. Oh dear. A younger boyfriend. That must make her immature also(so she heard the girls who used to be her friend say). But then at least she loves her boyfriend. She cares for him, gets on with him, and they make each other laugh. Surely that is what counts. But does he love her? How can he love her? She’s surely not good enough for him; for anyone.
   So this is how she felt. Alone. And good for nothing. She didn’t want to move, she didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to be in school. She had nowhere to go, no one she wanted to talk to. She wanted to sleep. Sleep forever, never wake up. Crying made herself feel better. She did it so often now. She wasn’t sure why it happened so naturally, sometimes when she wasn’t feeling this sunken feeling in her chest. Sometimes when her thoughts were clear, she wasn’t thinking irrationally. Maybe she has a problem. Or maybe she’s just a problem herself. Maybe she shouldn’t be allowed to bring people’s life down. She clearly becomes a problem to peoples lives when she gets too close to them. It’s happened far too many times for this statement not to be true. Would anyone care if she were gone? Would people forget about her after a couple of days, if she were just to end it. End it all. Become less of a burden. Become non existent. She might as well have been. She had the foundation for a happy life. She felt like she couldn’t be further from that.
nice.

Posted by glitterrdust on 2009-07-01 09:42:17 | Rating: