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| A diary entry I don't want anyone to read...Is it
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I don't like myself very much. I'm pretty sure nobody else does either. This is not a "nobody likes me, think I'll go and eat worms" post. I sincerely want to be a better person. I just honestly don't know how. I'm insecure. I don't want to be. I try positive self talk but honestly think I just need to be real about my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I'm trying hard to be a better singer (I studied music) but worry that maybe I just don't have the greatest voice for it and perhaps I should just give up. But I wouldn't have a clue what to do with my life otherwise... not to mention the pride thing.
I have this thing with people where I feel like if I look them in the eye they'll be able to see that I'm really no good and that they don't want to know me. I have trouble getting on with people. Mostly at my waitressing job which I don't always like much. My moods swing crazily. I'm on top of life and positive on minute and down and lethargic the next. I have a short concentration span and often need people to explain simple things to me more than once because I don't listen well... but I used to be smart (in school-15 years ago!)
I'm writing this because I want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this? Am I just a bad, selfish person who can't make friends? Am I totally pursuing the wrong career path? How would I know? How can I learn to be happy? I can't even go to the shop to buy myself clothes because I think I don't like anything. How can I not like anything? There certainly must be something I like surely. But no. Nothing's right. I leave with nothing. I don't go out because I have nothing to wear and think nobody likes me. Well, many people don't actually. I wonder... is this because I'm not likable or because of the messages I put out??
I'm scared of life. Can anyone comment?
P.s Please don't think I'm completely nuts - I'm not. I have just splurged my thoughts that's all. Like a diary entry you don't want anyone to read. |
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Posted by gladIfoundthissite on 2008-01-13 23:39:10 | Rating: | Views: 74
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Sounds like a down phase of life. Feeling insecure about your goals, your path, your needs, wants and dreams.
What makes you happy? Making a plan and working towards it makes one feel better. Or experiencing something wonderfully new. People respond to charismatic, read confidence, in others. Those who don't personify confidence have a harder time feeling comfortable with others. Most people are not confident. Late 20's one wonders what there is next, you want to accomplish something. It's just that phase of life.
It's OK to feel like you do, just know who you are - your thoughts, your feelings, how you react to news, how you react to sounds, smells, sights... Knowing these things will help you feel confident with who you are.
I know in the United States there is a suicide hotline you can call if you're feeling dangerously insecure or depressed. How about in Australia? They'll talk to you, they'll listen to you. Most importantly they can guide you if you want. I am not a psychologist - these are just feelings.
Your actions sound like you're in a depression. Talking to other people or telling other people helps. Writing helps, too.
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Posted by Suzany
on 2008-01-14 00:00:04
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Must be something in the air tonight that similar posts to my feelings are showing up. But, I feel it more often than one night. As I read your words, I totally feel myself writing them. I am sure it may sound cliche to some. But, seriously--though not exact word for word--I feel as if I am reading my own journal entry.
Perhaps we could talk about it. I am intrigued by the waitress who aspires to sing(born a sheep year in chinese astrology, which is so perfect)--even if it is common when you consider Hollywood and American Idol.
Suzany, I sure hope it's not as bad as you think it is for her. I shield myself from such words even if they may be true. Better to not use some words than admit to a problem you don't need to embody. And, if nothing else, never lose hope. Keep that one flame burning no matter what. Even in the most hopeless situations, we must believe there is a way out of the darkness to get into the light again.
The only thing I know to do to survive is to take deep breaths and find ways to entertain myself when not taking care of responsibilities. People like us need a place/time to retreat from stressors. I am rather certain you are a rather private person or at least hide alot from those you interact with whether for your own protection or self-restraint. If not further complicated, that alone makes it a bit difficult to connect with people wholly unless you find a lucky spark. Anyway, that's my two cents at this late late hour.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-01-14 02:31:12
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Thanks so much for your comments. They are much appreciated. It probably is just a down phase. Maybe a symptom of me trying to figure out I'm going in my life and feeling insecure. And for your assurance, I'm not dangerously depressed. As often is the case, I have felt better after writing the blog and reading the comments, having gotten it off my chest and into writing. It has also helped me to think, "Hmm, how can I be proactive in tackling this." Thanks heaps. I know I'll be alright... I just hope it would happens soon!
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Posted by gladIfoundthissite
on 2008-01-18 17:24:36
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