December 5 2007

Yesterday, I suggested some new twists to those lines of movie dialogue that you hear in film after film. Well, certain story lines are even more tired and well worn. Here are some of them, with slight modifications that I've added:

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A wagon train is attacked by hundreds of screaming Comanches. The settlers circle the wagons and fight desperately until only a few of them are still alive. The survivors know they face terrible torture if captured alive, so they plan to go down fighting.

Suddenly, they hear a bugle that's playing a cavalry charge.

"We're saved," shouts one of the settlers. Cheering, they throw down their guns and begin embracing one another. A few seconds later, they learn that some no good skunk has taught the Commanches how to play the bugle.

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Tommy and his dog Lassie are exploring Grandpa's farm. Tommy finds a well and leans forward to look into it. He loses his balance and falls into water at the bottom. Treading water to stay afloat, Tommy yells "Lassie, get Grandpa."

Lassie runs back to the house where Grandpa sits on the porch, whittling. Barking furiously, Lassie tries to get the old man's attention.

"I know what's botherin' ya," Grandpa says. "You're just hungry. Here's some dogfood I kept for ya."

Lassie eats the food and then feels sleepy, so she takes a nap. Two days later, Grandpa finds that something is clogging the well.

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Earth has been invaded by giant robots who are stomping everybody and everything flat. Humanity's last hope is Sergeant Rock and his commandos who have nuclear rockets powerful enough to penetrate even the super hard armor of the robots. The soldiers have taken up a position at the end of a ruined street while four of the robots are clomping toward them, ready to squish them into goo.

Sergeant Rock turns to his ace subordinate Corporal Gunn.

"All right, Gunn," he growls. "Use the rocket launcher on those turkeys."

"Cripes!," Gunn says. "I knew I forgot to bring something, Sarge."

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Well, I suppose you can guess why I was never able to get a job as a screen writer.

George