November 21 2007

Disapointed by the sales of my last book, I asked for an opinion from Percy Snobbington, the book critic for Toronto's largest newspaper. After reading my novel, Percy looked at me sadly.

"Dear Boy," he said. "No wonder you have a problem. You've broken all of the rules."

"Rules?"

"If you want to publish books in Canada, you must conform to the dogma of CanLit, that holy group that censors all books for heresy and blesses only those that are worthy. You've broken all of their commandments."

"Can you give me an example, Percy?"

"First, you've set your book in Toronto."

"That's bad?"

"Of course. Eighty percent of Canadians live in cities, but we love to think of ourselves as farmers, fisherman or trappers. Besides, everybody in Canada hates Toronto. It's central to Canadian unity."

"Where should I have set the book?"

"The best stories are about young boys growing up on the Prairies during The Great Depression. Newfoundland fishing villages are next best."

"Got it. Anything else?"

"There is much too much action in your book."

"I thought action was good."

"For unwashed foreigners maybe. Canadian books have characters who just sit around all day telling each other how rotten and hopeless it all is."

"I suppose that means no sex."

"Sex is terribly risky, but you might get away with some. Just be sure that everyone involved is too tortured by guilt to enjoy it."

"What about describing war? Is that okay?"

"War can be good because it really ratchets up the misery level. Just be sure it's a war that happened before any of us was born. The First World War is a favorite. Stay away from any current wars. Much too politically controversial."

"Thanks, Percy. I think I understand the formula now."

Over the next few months, I wrote a novel about a one eyed Newfie fisherman who moved to Saskatchewan because he was sick of it all. There, he had a joyless sexual affair with the mother of a boy who was growing up on the Prairies during The Great Depression. Finally, all three of them became so tormented by life that they went to Barcelona and got themselves killed in The Spanish Civil War.

Percy is sure my book will be a best seller.

George