December 15 2007

One of the most discouraging things about being a writer is receiving rejection letters from editors and agents, many of whom don't seem to have even looked at one's work before dismissing it.  We struggling writers can draw some comfort from knowing that even famous authors were rejected.

Here are some examples of rejection letters received by writers who later went on to do fairly well.

Dear Mr. Hemingway,

Thanks for letting us have a look at The Sun Also Rises.  I'm afraid we won't be able to use your book for several reasons.  To begin with, your descriptions of Paris don't seem at all authentic.  Perhaps you should visit the city to soak up some atmosphere.  In the same way, your war references make it plain that you've never really done any military service.  Mostly, I have a problem with your bizarre prose style.  Hasn't anyone ever told you about adjectives?  You write like a newspaper reporter.  I hate to be unkind, but I strongly suggest that you find some other way to make a living.  It's plain to me that you have no talent whatever for writing.

Mr. Steinbeck,

I don't know where to start about your book The Grapes Of Wrath.  To even suggest that poor Okies would be so cruelly exploited in these great United States is an obscene slander.  This is The Land Of The Free, not some Commie police state like Canada.  What are you?  A Muslim?  We've had about enough anti-American hate mongering from rats like you.  I've turned your name over to the Department Of Homeland Security and you can expect a visit from the FBI any day now.  This is America, Pal.  Love it or leave it.

Dear Mr. Hugo,

Thanks for sending us your novel The Hunchback Of Notre Dame.   We were mildly interested in publishing it until our legal department pointed out all the defamation lawsuits we might get from physically challenged people.  Our publishing house doesn't want to appear to be making fun of hunchbacks, not to mention all that anti-Catholic stuff about the Inquisition and witch burning.  Sorry, but we'll have to pass.  We can't use your other book either, the one about that fellow Jean Val Jean who gets fifteen years in the slave galleys for stealing a loaf of bread.  We don't handle crime fiction.

Dear Mr. Tolkien,

I'm sorry, but we can't use your Lord Of The Rings trilogy.  Not only is it way too long, but I have my doubts about the plot.  The story seems to be about hairy little men who live in holes in the ground and who are fighting about a ring.  The whole thing was so boring that I fell asleep after only a few pages.  If you want to write fantasy, why don't you try a book about a boy wizard who goes to boarding school.  Now, that's a real story.

Dear Mr. Dostoyevsky,

Please don't send us any more of your Russian novels.  They're all so dark and gloomy that trying to read them is like crime and punishment for us.

Dear Mr. Spillane,

I must say that your novel I, The Jury is the worst book that I've ever read.  The tough guy dialogue is ridiculous.  The graphic violence is sickening and the sex scenes are lurid beyond belief.  If there is one thing that I've learned during all my years in publishing, it's that sex and violence just don't sell.

So, there you are Writers.  Just keep on trying.

George