I am setting this one on the 'Only Me' to view because I want to make this post to empty my mind without having to worry about spellling things wrong, or how many views I'll get, or whether or not anyone will read it. We'll see at the end if I delete it or change it to an 'everyone read', or maybe I'll keep it to myself.
I like posting my thoughts. It empties my thoughts, frees my mind of all the garbage of the day or week. I've got so much to think about. My mind is on a constant overdrive. By the end of the day, when it's time to sleep, I fall asleep withing 3 minutes of being in bed. Maybe even within that minute. I'm exhausted. But that is what I signed up for.
I use to dream of being a Mom before I was even married. I love being in charge of those little guys. They really can make me laugh. I don't feel like I laugh enough. It's like my laughometer is broken. Maybe I have too much going on in my mind.
I remember being such a carefree kid. Everyday I would go outside and listen to the birds chirping. I would purposefully take big breaths to smell the flowers or the fresh cut grass. I use to look at the dust floating in the sunbeam - and really daydream that they were little worlds. (This was long before I ever heard of Horton Hears a Who!!!) I would blow those little worlds around. I was so happy being inside my head. I got teased alot for being so dreamy. But I loved it. And it is true about how simple and innocent a childs mind is. Once I came out of my childhood, I started learning about the world. Now, I know we must all grow up but I want to go back to those young years when all you thought about was how to have fun. No work, responsibility, bill, worry, grief. No needing to make your own bologny sandwhiches. It wasn't weird to drink a gallon of chocolate milk. No worries. Just bike riding and feeling free.
I should just cheer up about everything. Maybe I need a happy pill. I don't really think so - but maybe I do. I just want to be free of having to clean up after my kids. I want someone else to do my laundry and put it away!! I want my Mommy to cook my dinner, and me have to race home on my bike before six o'clock!!
I remember being 13. I think that was the last time I still recognized myself as a child. And boy, was I ticked off!! We want things differently than we have it. When I'm little, I want to be big. Now I'm big,and i beg to be less responsible, less overwhelmed, less in control.
In my mind, I want to go camping forever. An eternal vacation with my husband and kids. Who doesn't . Just face it, you're 40.
Wow, it hurts to write the number. It's not the number that hurts. It only the simple thought that I'm halfway there.
I remember being 13 distinctly. I was a kid. About to leave kidhood. It's like I went from 13 to 20 in no time. It makes me sad because my oldest daughter is now 11. She is so like me. She tells me how she doesn't want to grow up. I can totally sympathize. Because one day she will be 40, and typing her thoughts on Thoughts.com. Setting her mind free of worry. I wish for her to be in a better state of mind than myself. But she is my mini-me.
: )
Posted by girlzone on 2008-03-16 23:19:21 | Rating: n/a | Views: 123
My years from 40-50 were amazing, difficult as hell and I learned so much during that time. I'm 50 and still learning, but I embrace this age. Enjoy your life, your husband and your children now. You're going through a growth spurt :-)
You might not believe me, but I completely relate to what you're writing about, even though I'm 28. Feeling that my "care-free" days are gone, it's a scary thought. But you know what? start off small...run barefoot on the beach, giggle like a child, who is really watching? That stranger giving you an odd glance? Maybe somewhere in the back of their minds, you've made them think "hhm...wouldn't it be nice to be a child again." At the very best, think of it as a humanitarian service!
