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Just a day, and more to come....

So, this is my life. Lets see if I can sum it up for myself. I'm a mother: responsibilities for my children. I'm a wife: expections of me. I'm lost from myself. I know the person I want to be, but it doesn't fit the choices that I once chose. At one time, I wanted to have children, and grow with them. At one time, I thought that being married to a great guy would be the bestest choice. (I say 'bestest choice' because I thought that was what I should do. What I wanted. What everyone wanted.) I think that it is what everyone thinks they want. The grass is always greener.

This grass is always greener...I think this over and over in my head. Yeah, the grass is always greener. I have a great situation. A great life. It will be greater in the future. But I sometimes think that maybe it's not what I really want. I'm not....never mind. I do know what I want but I can not acheive it without leaving my current life. I want it both ways. I think I want more attention. Not for sex, pinching my ass in the kitchen, or grabbing my breasts. Not that attention. I have that. I want someone, (a guy) to just think I am so beautiful. To be in awe. To smile uncontrollably at me because he can't believe he has me. My husband use to do that. Now I just get the 'gosh you are so beautiful' comment when I'm on top of him, riding the cowboy. Maybe I should stop here for now. I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

3 1/2 hours later....

I reread my blog. It made me cry. I think it really hit home this time - reading my own thoughts, now in print. I think what made me cry was my comment "my husband use to do that". I have thought of leaving the whole 'great' situation for about 2-3 years. I'm a person that has needs. I need to feel a certain way, sometimes. I need to have space. I need to feel loved, on my own time. I do feel love alot. Most people would be satisfied with just that. But there is more to a person than just one of the feelings that a person needs. I need to be needed, to be hugged by my kids. I have that too. I think that it is not what I have that I need. It's to be ME again. I try to insert small bits of ME back into my 'married with kids and responsibilites' life. I feel judged by my husband for the specs of ME that seem different to him. He has forgotten the ME from 13 years ago. Don't get me wrong. He loves me dearly. It is not him that I lack. Or my kids, or anything else - other than my real desire to be ME again, with not so much responsibility. My life driving my girls to school, helping in the classroom, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, ugh. It's not really me. I am a free bird, to fly if I wish, when I wish, where I wish. That's me. But the grass is always greener. Because I could never and will never be able to give up my family, for ME.