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| Sink or Swim |
I can say with absolute unwavering certainty – I love him with all my heart. Always have and always will.
We met in ’97. I still remember the first time I saw him, sitting across the room from me in art class. I knew right then and there from that moment, he was the one for me.
We didn’t get together then for a number of reasons; the main one being my best friend was after him. What a mess that was – she was into him, he was into me and there I was caught in the middle. Talk about friction. I was never concerned though, because I always thought it would all work out in time. I even used to call him my future husband. We stayed friendly, but went our separate ways after graduation. Then in early ‘02 we met up again, and in April of that year we started dating.
Fast forward to today, and it so does not feel like seven and a half years have gone by. Years full of ups and downs, and everything between and beyond. Fights and make-ups, slamming the phone down and flowers with apology cards. Birthdays and weddings, deaths and new babies. Getting new pets, and putting old ones to rest. New jobs, graduations and going back to school after 4 years. Doubts, deception and horse-drawn Cinderella carriage surprises. Jury duty in bad neighborhoods. Cemeteries and mausoleums tours. Concerts, dinner cruises and flat tires. Hanging over the edge of the couch with pizza vomit coming out my nose, and him holding my hair back. Stained glass, sticky floors and broken windows. Surgeries, dry-heaving from anesthetic and getting seasick in a kayak. Fights with the insurance company and frosties at midnight.
Through it all, he's been a great guy. He’s very smart and has a great sense of humor. Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe. He knows so many things, it's like having your own history guide. He's a great writer, and always knows the right words for thank yous or condolences. He's so creative, and an awesome musician. He puts up with my caustic sarcasm like no body’s business, and doesn’t think twice about meeting C- and D- list celebs with me. He’s not the common definition of romantic, but he gives it a shot. He sings me loves songs and makes me dinner, and brings me orange juice when I’m sick. He’s overly sentimental about some things, but most of the time very sincere. He’s safe and strong. No drinking, smoking, or drugs. He’s never cheated on me, and never would. He really tries to make me happy, and wants to be a better man for me. And I know he loves me more than anything. I am his world.
Unfortunately, he does have his faults. He can be conveniently forgetful and irresponsible when he wants to. He has selective hearing. He pays his bills late and runs up hundreds of dollars in overcharges without noticing. He’s impulsive to a fault and doesn’t think things through. He’s complacent and extremely resistant to change. He can be obsessive – like burying himself in his hobby every weekend, spending hours and hours and hours on end. He can remember the date and mint mark of a coin he found 2 weeks ago, but can’t remember to talk to his sister about finding us a place of our own. He eats every single bit of food in his house, then starves for the next week until he goes shopping again. He wah-wah-wah’s about how hard he tries, but the truth is he gives up way too easily.
I was 19 when this all started, and now I’m 27. I see him every day, but we still don’t live together yet. I’m trying to save up for a down payment, and he’s just happily going along in his own place. We are so living separate lives, and not growing in our relationship. For the past couple years I’ve been telling him how I feel, what bothers me and what I want to change. That I think we should move on and start building a life together. He says he wants to and yeah how great that would be, but so far he’s been all talk. We have talked about it so many times, I'm all talked out. There’s nothing left to say. He always promises to work on it and we’ll do better, and don’t worry it’ll happen. But it never does. Am I supposed to wait another seven years? My hope is fading, and I can’t wait any longer. I'm afarid if it hasn’t happened by now, it never will.
I think the worst part of this whole thing is watching my dream of us wither and die. All my hopes and everything I imagined for us. All the things I never told him – wanting to get married, thinking about having a wedding, changing my name, eventually having a family but already picking out the names, holidays at our house, getting old together, retiring and seeing the world – all of it just falling away. And I’m stuck here, losing my faith and grieving for what could have been.
I’m plagued with doubt. I have no idea if leaving is the right thing to do. My head is telling me it's time to let go and move on, that staying any longer is stupid because nothing will ever change - to either accept it or get on with it. But my heart isn't in the same place. He is such a part of me. I just don’t know what else to do.
I do know I’m exhausted, and something have to give.
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Posted by girltalk on 2009-10-07 00:56:40 | Rating: | Views: 30
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