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| 10.05.09 |
October 5th, 2009
I was thinking today, when I first got to Newport I thought that I was only going to be there for a week, two tops, and now I look back and its already been 2 months. I never would have thought I would have been there this long.
So today is Monday, I'm at home, I have an overnight visit tonight. Sal is at a friends house watching the football game, Ash is sleeping, and Willow and I are watching movies. I'm kind of bummed that Sal is gone, but I know he really wanted to watch the Packer game so I didn't say anything.
Last night Sal was really frustrated with everything, me being gone, the kids, work, just everything and he took it out on me. He said some pretty harsh stuff to me, but I just let it roll off my back as much as possible. I know he doesn't mean the things he says sometimes, and he did apologize after.
I feel like I'm falling into a really difficult position. Sal is getting fed up with me being gone, which I totally understand. He just wants me home so things can go back to normal. I don't know if I am totally ready, but I need to go home. I need to be more selfless for my family. I'm going to tell my Dr. that I am ready to go home, hopefully she will believe me. Like I said before, I am scared to death about going home, but I need to sacrifice my well being for my family. I have to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about what Sal and the kids need... and that's me.
I have so much on my mind lately, especially tonight. I have become some one else and I don't know if I like the person that I have become. I liked the old me, the one that was the life of the party, that was self confident, that people came to with problems. Now I just feel awkward, in my own shoes, I have no self confidence, and social situations make me feel uncomfortable, Its really hard for me,
I'm afraid once I get out of the group home I will fall apart. Part of me wants so badly to get out and the other part of me likes the safety of the group home. When I get out I will be on my own, there won't be anyone there forcing me to get out of the house, or making sure I'm not cutting. I'm afraid that I will become a hermit, never leaving my house. I've already lost touch with some of my friends... soon I'm afraid I won't have any left. That is a huge fear of mine
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Posted by girl_in_limbo on 2009-10-06 13:41:33 | Rating: | Views: 45
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