Today, I look outside my window. I promise myself, today will be better. A New day. So I sit down in front of my computer ready to work hard, ready to make a difference.
I am almost there, so close to getting it right. If I could just make those final steps and then I can move on. On to the next stage.
You see, I never give myself a proper chance. At first I thought it was just because I was lazy, but then I would have these moments of utter excitment and longing to learn more. I knew it wasn't just laziness. Then I realised I was scared. Scared that after all this hope, all these goals I had set were too faraway. I lived in a world were you are told anything is possible, I just don't believe this was true for me. I couldn't do it. And what if I actually did try, try really hard, and it was no good I bearly scrapped by. It would be humiliating, excuritating.
You see I hang on to things, peoples through away lines haunt me. Embarring moments from my childhood, those moments where you learn about limits, you learn self consciousness and how to feel shame. These memories have tied me up and duked-taped my vision and my belief, drenched in the fear on failure. That is what will end my hope. I am in this place where I don't know which is more terrifying, to put myself out there for ridicule and possible failure, or to be left with what might have been a half done dream.
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