The day after I found out we were having a boy I found out that an old friend of mine had died.
Let me tell you, the conflict of emotions in me was hard to cope with, it's hard to reconcile grief and joy.
I told my lady because I can't hide anything from her (she can see it plain as day in my eyes) and because I needed her to hold me. Soppy, but true.
He died last week. I don't know what bothers me most - that the last time I saw him was three years ago (despite the fact that we grew up together) or that when he died he was my age - my age.
The funeral was Wednesday and I didn't tell Cheb about it until an hour before it started. What did she do? She changed into black trousers and a shirt, and told me to get ready, we were going.
This woman is amazing. She was floating on air from the scan, totally hyperactive and she swallowed that so that she could hold my hand as I said goodbye to an old friend.
Though it was a lovely service, I was numb through most of it. As I say...he was my age and that's scary.
The drink got him.
The funeral was strange too, as I saw alot of old faces, plus some I still see alot of. It was the first time Cheb had met my friends, and I know she was nervous about that, and what they might think (whatever she might say to the contrary, hehe). She stood tall beside me, holding me up though she didnt know it, and I was so proud to have her on my arm.
The wake was at an old pub on the coast and we settled in with my best friend (a mutual friend of me and the deseased, who did stay in touch with him) and his wife.
I think he said it best, when he said 'let the heavy drinking commence, and lets see who's liver packs in next!' That was met with a sort of nervous laughter. Bad taste? Yes. True? Yes.
Too many of the old gang have succumbed to the drink, hell thats how I lost my old man. Ah...life in the north east, its a party alright, and we drank our way through the decades but now...we are starting to lose good people and its absurd.
Did I get drunk that night? Yeah, I did. Me and the lads drank to his memory and then drank some more. I was drunk come the end of the night. The trouble with having so many friends in a group like that, is the sort of unwritten ettiquette that goes with it - everyone wants to buy everyone a drink, and then you're obliged to buy one back for them and it never ends. It was the first time in 20 years I've drank so much because out of everyone I'd say me and my best friend are the only ones who got wise to the damage it was doing years ago. Now...I like a tipple, but nothing like I was twenty odd years ago.
So yeah, we all got drunk and as it happened, I was able to reconcile those emotions - I celebrated the life of my old friend, and the imminent arrival of my baby, and it was a fabulous night. A really party atmosphere. Cheb thoroughly enjoyed herself too, as much to her surprise, everyone was just wonderful to her (she was expecting to be talked about behind her back) all the lads loved her and kissed her hand, asked her about us, and when the baby was due, joked with us and kept asking her what on earth she was doing with me...she was beaming all night but still kept asking me occasionally was I okay. And I was.
When we got back to mine, and snuggled down for the night, I told her I was done with the booze. She smiled and rolled her eyes but I don't think she entirely realised I meant it, and in the cold light of day, I still mean it. I wont go the same way as the rest of the lads are or have, the same way my father went. I'll be there for my son.
Cheb - thank you, because I dont think you know what it meant for you to be there holding my hand, and you certainly have yet to understand just how much I appreciate, love and adore you.
Its been just 21 hours since I saw you and already I miss you like crazy.
See you again very soon darling,
I love you both xxx
