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I read Cheb's last post at about one o'clock in the morning and I sat in the silence and wanted to cry for her. I wished she could have told me those things, how she was feeling. I'm not pissed, or upset that she didn't, because I get why - she's never had a relationship with anyone she could tell anything to before, and old habits die hard. I'm sad, because she was fretting and feeling low and she kept it to herself.
I cant claim to know how she's feeling, but I am trying to understand. I will never judge her, or think badly of her. I know she loves me and Stan and hopefully she knows we love her.
She thinks any expression of something other than total euphoria means she's failing. I know thats not true. She thinks maybe someone else could handle things better. I know thats not true. She thinks she isnt strong without me. I know thats not true.
I was not there when she walked into her parents house and found her father, her best friend, dead on the sofa. I was not there when she stood up to her husband for the first time (he went for her and she whacked him over the head with a kettle of all things). I was not there when she walked back through the doors of college for the first time in ten years, with zip support from said hubby. I was not there when she left him, with no idea how he was gonna respond. I was not there when she gave birth to our son by c-section - I was waiting out in the corridor. I am not there to give her courage. Her courage, her strength comes from within herself. I just nurture it...and love it. Love her.
At the moment she is not the only one who is feeling a little helpless. I'll bet lots of new dads feel this way, like nothing you do can really help. You cant have the baby for them. And now I cant take the stitches from her and put them on me. I can feel a bond with Stan thats as strong as hers but its still different.
But heres the key...because I cant understand totally how she feels, doesnt mean I cant do anything for her.
I can be here. And make sure she knows I'm here. If theres something I can do to help, of course, I'm gonna do it. Whatever she needs, whatever she wants from me...its done. This woman gave me the greatest gift I ever had, or ever will have, nothing is too much for her.
We had a lovely day today and I hope she is feeling better for it. I spent all my time with her and Stan, and I held him, and her alot. I got her talking about the future, in terms of what it will be like when we settle into our new home up in Newcastle. I told her how much people are asking after her and Stan and how so many people are waiting to meet him when he leaves hospital. He is progressing so well, so quickly, that it might be sooner than we think.
All I want right now, is for her to feel secure and like she can tell me if she is feeling a bit low or whatever...no matter what, I am on her side and I tell you what guys...I love this woman with all my heart. That wont ever change and she can always, always count on me. |
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Posted by geordiedreamer on 2008-05-25 19:51:18 | Rating: | Views: 76
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David -- When we are used to handling things on our own and keeping our real thoughts and feelings hidden because the people around us don't understand or make fun of us it takes time to change those patterns. I'm sure Cheb knows in her heart that you are there .... that she can tell you anything, but it's not something she is used to doing.
My mother-in-law was a difficult person to get along with. As a diabetic she wouldn't allow my father-in-law to have any kind of candy or sweets in the house. "Dad" loved sweets so he would hide them from her. One day (several years after her death) I was visiting "Dad" and came across this huge stash of candy hidden away in a drawer. Dad didn't have to hide his candy anymore, but he was so used to doing it that he still did. Rome wasn't built in a day, David. It takes time to let go and change the survival skills that life has forced us to implement. You are actually handling this correctly .... keep doing what you are doing. Opening up and trusting another takes time ... especially for any woman who has been in an abusive relationship. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-05-25 20:31:52
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What an amazing love. Congratulations on the new addition. I know you and Cheb will be wonderful parents. Stanley will have the best of all worlds with you two.
Good luck, stay strong, and be blessed!!
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Posted by heatherslife
on 2008-05-25 23:34:21
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David, hugs to all three of you. Sending you lots and lots of love and best wishes.
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-26 01:50:50
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however hard its been and it sounds like its been tough for Cheb, you both have a fantastic reward and you deserve it, I wish you both peace and much happiness x
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Posted by pixiepatch
on 2008-05-28 03:33:54
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