Thoughts.com Blogs - An apology for Chebtastic1

Okay...laid bare, here it is. I screwed up today and I gotta own up to it and apologise for it.

Me and Cheb...we're nuts about each other, you all know that. We couldn't hide it if we tried. So far, it has been like a fairytale. Everyone said that sooner or later though, we would have a falling out, though I genuinely couldnt see it happening. We've had words up to now, but today I actually upset her and I actually can't bear it.

So heres the gist of it. We were chatting on msn, we both tend to have it running in the background, and if we happen to be next to the computer at the same time, we will have little chats during the day.
I need to back track a bit now, because theres something you need to know to understand the rest of this mess, and its something I've noticed Cheb has not mentioned in her blog. I dont really know why she hasn't.

She wasnt the only one in a relationship when we met. I too was in a relationship of sorts, though not a serious one in the same way. It was a kinda casual arrangement with a lady in Ireland. I used to go and see her and she used to come to me, every couple of months or so. We went on a couple of holidays, had a few dates and stuff. Was there an overlap between her and Cheb? Yes. Bad idea for sure but neither me nor Cheb could help what happened between us, and anyway...I'm not here to defend myself.

I split with this other woman the moment I realised that I wanted to spend my life with Cheb, the moment I realised I loved her.

I dont really know how she took it...I'm not good at reading things like that. I reckon we meant more to her than she had let on, maybe more than even she realised. The break up was messy and difficult and I have felt a hell of a lot of guilt over it and a need to be sure she will be okay. She has sent a couple of emails, boasting about dates shes going on and holidays shes going on and whether its for my benefit or not I dont know. I did, however, not tell her about Cheb and I suspect now that may have been a mistake.
So anyway...theres the background.

The last time Cheb was here, she and our mutual friend (a woman) were at mine on the pc, signing up for faceparty, just having a laugh and decided to update mine a little. Adding daft stuff, like how I love golf but I'm crap at it (sad but true) just silly things and that was cool.
When Cheb went home I asked her did she mind if I took the references to her off my profile, incase my ex saw it and was upset by it. Cheb told me no, it was entirely my choice anyway, but she didnt mind. So I did. But talking to our mutual friend, she pointed out that its been a long time now since me and the other woman finished, and that in thinking of her feelings (my ex when alls said and done) I was kinda being insensitive to Cheb.

Yesterday I changed my profile and basically made it very clear that I am with the love of my life, we are seriosu, having a baby together and that she is my soulmate and the woman for me. Its typically me, typically slushy, like Cheb's always was.
I guess she noticed it today and this was our conversation, or thereabouts, on msn;

ME: Hi hunny
CHEB: Hi babes. I see you've changed your faceparty profile?
ME: Uh huh...and...?
CHEB: Does this mean I am no longer your dirty little secret then?
ME: Hey, you were never that!
CHEB: Your naughty secret then?
ME: It was never about keeping you secret, I just had to think of L. I didn't wanna flaunt it, because its not been that long since we split, only a few months really
CHEB: Same length of time that me and hubby have been split. But I've been raving about you, I'm proud to be with you.
ME: Yeah,but its different isnt it?
CHEB: How?
ME: Well, you were married. And I suppose I'm a little more sensitive but I guess thats my age
CHEB: Are you saying I'm insensitive?
ME: Hmm
CHEB: Thats a yes then. Ouch.
ME: What is this?
CHEB: Well...I think you're calling me insensitive because I've moved on from my marriage. I'm not nasty to him for the sheer sake of it, I'm not rubbing his face in it...I'm just moving on.
ME: What is this? I came on to say hi and you're attacking me
CHEB: Other way around, I think.
ME: You're the one who always has the doubts about us, about everything
CHEB: I've never had any doubts, how can you say that? I have nerves, I'm scared and nervous because everything we have talked about is about to come true, all in one go, but I've never had doubts, never.
(long pause)
CHEB: Yikes, I think we need to stop now
ME: Uh huh! Bye
CHEB: Bye

I sat staring at the screen for a couple of minutes, trying to work out what had just happened, and was about to send another message to say sorry but she had already signed out.
I've rang her but shes not answered. Maybe shes mad, maybe shes upset, or just doesnt wanna argue anymore...maybe shes walking her mums dog and hasnt got her phone on her...I dont know.
Reading back what I said makes me cringe and more and more I can see her point. It was like I was hiding her like a naughty secret, when there was no longer a need to - I mean, its just another way she was the brave one. She came right out and annouced her love for me, to her hubby and everyone else, I didnt really do that, my ex still doesnt know about Cheb.
I cant believed I said she was insensitive either...God, shes a million miles from that.

Cheb...I'm sorry darling...I dunno how we got into that but I hope it never happens again, because I hate to think I've hurt you.

I'm sorry, please forgive me xxx

I LOVE YOU XXXXXX