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So its been a week now. A whole week of fatherhood, which is such a long space of time, but is actually a short time, in the grand scheme of things.
I think I may have made this point before, maybe in a comment or something, but I'll say it again. I have a theory about this. You might find that there are alot of theories in this post...but thats because I've done alot of thinking this week. Bear with me.
Since the birth of my son almost eight days ago now, my whole life, or rather my outlook, has changed - something in me is changed, never to be the same again. I was David, somebody's son, somebody's brother, somebody's uncle, somebody's friend, somebody's boyfriend (dont tend to use that word, because it makes me sound kinda like a 15 year old!)...now I am also somebody's father. That is something entirely different. And its so precious, he's so precious.
Since he came into the world, I appreciate things even more than I already did. Time...time spent with Cheb and Stan is precious, every second is precious, and maybe thats why time seems to have stretched. Because I have savoured every second.
I love him so much it makes my heart ache. I love his tiny toes and fingers, his bright brown eyes, his button nose, when he blows bubbles, the sounds he makes and his baby smell...he mesmerises me, every second with him I am just...intoxicated, addicted to him. I lie awake in bed at night just grinning to myself. I'm so happy.
Cheb is my soulmate and she always will be. There is nothing I could ever say to her, or do for her, that would ever match up to what she has given me...but I will spend my life trying anyway, what else can I do?
Oh...just a little update. It could be a while before she blogs again because she is exhausted. She's feeling okay, not in any pain, just very tired. She'll be back soon though and I will pass on all your wishes to her for a speedy recovery.
Stan is quite the napper too. He sleeps when she does, wthout fail.
This is my other theory. See...by rights, if all had gone to plan...he'd still be in the womb now. Now...mums and babies to my mind, have a bond that starts at conception. It only gets stronger during the pregnancy and the invisible umbilicle cord stays for life - thats why mums sob at weddings. The thing is, I think that the reason he sleeps when she does, is a combination of that bond between a mother and son, and still being in tune with her body clock, being taken from it essentially a little too early. Like he is still working in tune to her body. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Whatever it is, its sweet anyway, cause its like hes thinking of her, being considerate. Sweet.
I wanna apologise if this post makes no sense, I am at this point kinda tired (its just midnight now) and my head is kinda fuzzy at the moment. If this post seems kinda weird and random...thats why. I have so much going through my mind, I just need it all out, and I'm afraid I seem to have no control over the order it comes out! Bear with me...I may have already said that, but please do...bear with me  
One thing I have really admired about Cheb is her honesty, especially when talking about her feelings for, and regarding Stanley...being open and honest about her feelings, good and bad. I feel I should do the same.
I allowed the first negative thoughts to enter my head today. I want to make clear first that the negative thoughts are not to do with, or because of Stanley, absolutely not. I have no bad thoughts about him, no doubts, only the purest of love.
No...the fears are to do with me, and I guess are quite natural. I'm worried I'm not up to it. I'm not in the best of shape, touching 45...I always had this feeling that I would be dead before I hit fifty...dont know why but I always used to say that...now I worry...what if that hunch was correct? What then? What if I dont have the energy to be a proper dad? What if I do something wrong? Worst of all...what if he ends up ashamed of me? His friends dads will be younger than me for sure...ahh what a load of crap to be thinking off. I should be putting all the energy I am putting into fretting into looking after my lady and baby!
I need a good nights sleep is all...sorry, I think I'll delete this blog tomorrow, I feel like I am on pure adrenalin, and watching someone else type it...I think I have had way too much coffee today! I feel almost drunk, its bizzare. Anyway...if anyone has taken the time to read this...my apologies to you, because it makes no sense.
To re cap what was the original point before I rambled on...I have been a dad for a week now. I'm knackered and riding on a combination of adrenalin and coffee...but I am so so happy...and there is not a more proud man on the planet than me, nor a more content one.
Jeez...I'm going to bed, before I turn into one of those irritating dads in the pub, slightly drunk and showing anyone who will look the photos in his wallet.
That reminds me of a quote I saw that made me giggle
"A father has photos in his wallet where once there was money..."
Sounds about right!
Bye for now
Dave xxx |
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Posted by geordiedreamer on 2008-05-28 19:20:06 | Rating: | Views: 90
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Awww don't delete this post, it is lovely! I love reading just how in love with your new little man and your lady you are!
And as for worrying he will be ashamed of you, DON'T BE!! It is so so obvious from all of your posts that you are going to be a loving, dedicated daddy that any little boy will be mega proud of.
I hope Stan continues to thrive, Cheb catches up on her sleep, and you do too!
Take Care
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Posted by deepintought
on 2008-05-28 19:48:56
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deepinthought has said it all...your posts show what wonderful parents both of you are, and stan is a very lucky baby to have parents who love him so much and share so much of love for each other too! There's so much of love in the house!!:) You have no reason to worry, David...you're gonna be a GREAT dad :)
Both of you get some rest now!!
xxx
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-29 02:02:51
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David, I am going to say this once and once only. Get those silly thoughts out of your head about being too old at 45.
I am in your shoes in a sense. I am younger than my husband (Like Cheb is with you). When our youngest was born my husband was the same age as you. He is now 51. He and his family thought he wouldn't be around when he hit 50 either.
But as the children get older and my husbands body gets older his mind doesn't. He gets out there and plays with the kids, and takes them to the park and runs around and plays on the equipment with them. He goes on bike rides with them. In fact last year my husband went on a bike ride with my daughter for a school excursion that was for a whole day riding, when he came home he pulled up much better than I thought.
The one thing that he keeps saying is that the children are keeping him young. They are driving him on to look after himself more and more.
This is all overwelming for you because it is new. Give yourself time to adjust to what is about to happen. Don't fear it, grab it with both hands and enjoy the ride.
KP.
PS Don't fear the friends, children are more tolerant than we think.
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Posted by KP
on 2008-05-29 10:19:05
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deepintought - thank you. Man, I look at this post now and I literally dont remember writing it, I had drunk that much coffee! Haha x I will leave it up and yes, I will always be a loving and dedicated daddy, of that there is no doubt.
xx Dave xx
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-05-30 04:36:20
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angelwings - thank you thats very sweet. I have slept properly since then and I'm feeling much more...sane! Haha x
xx Dave xx
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-05-30 04:37:18
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KP - thank you, your words are very reassuring to me and I appreciate you taking the time to do that. Thanks x David x
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-05-30 04:54:49
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yes David it is exhausting being an older parent. But only you can choose what kind of Dad you are. Think only positive thoughts and dream only good things that you and cheb and stanley are going to do...Heck I laugh and say I am going to be using a walker and oxygen tank at my youngest graduation...I have 11 more years til the youngest is done with school...SO either I need to change my thinking or else it will be true...You are going to be a great Dad, never fear...
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-05-30 06:47:46
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Oh don't delete! This will be great to look back on. The thoughts all precious.
There is little less awesome of a man's adoration of his child (and woman). So many men (and women) actually choose to walk away. It's amazing isn't it what they choose to not feel or see. Anyway it's refreshing to see this kind of love you've opened your eyes to! You can't explain it well to others it's something they can only feel or know once they've been given this gift!
As far as all the things that could happen, well welcome to the fears of a parent. Don't dwell on it. No person is promised any certain number of days. If it continues to be a fear all you can really do is try to make some sort of plan to provide whatever you can for them in that event. Family bonds, God parents, supportive friends, life insurance?
Wishing you the best of luck! Congrats to you all. Get some rest your going to need it!
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-05-31 13:21:44
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Hollis - you're so right about me needing to change my thinking...besides I have so much to live for I dont think I'll be going anywhere for some time yet! In three years I'll be watching Cheb graduate...and one day I hope to watch Stanley follow in her footsteps! Thanks for stopping by xxxx Dave xxxx
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-05-31 19:49:50
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anotherdaze - welcome and thanks for commenting! You are so, so right. I cannot imagine how any man could walk away from this awesome thing, and feel nothing, they must be totally heartless or made of stone. I miss him just overnight!
It is very frustrating too, not being able to put into words how it all feels, but as you said...it has to be felt...words just wont do.
Nice to meet you xxx Dave xxx
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-05-31 19:52:40
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