well i have to say that i have tried to make it on my own but its not working.
and unfortunatly i am moving to my dads when my oldest one gets out of school.
i am not liking it.
no i don't really want to be here and yes i was planning on leaving at some point.
but i think what the problem is....is that i feel like i am being made to leave..forced out you know...
i would have rather been prepared for the move and things...
and going to my dads it not going to be plearsurable in the slightest because we really don't get along all that well..
all of my friends want me to go because they know it is the best thing for me to do....
though one is making it difficult by reminding me often how much he does't really want me to go (selfish really he is)
but it is making me think bout how my (true) friends really feel..course they aren't going to tell me because they know it will make it worse for me when the time comes.
i tear up when even thinking of leaving them (though in the plans to leave but im not going somewhere i want to be is y it hurts so bad)
they will take to their grave how they really feel but they cant lie to me and they know it...i feel the hurt they feel too.
as long as my dad keeps his space from me i think we will be fine....
characteristically (is that a word..i think so?) i am very territorial...and i put myself inside of a box (say out lined on the ground for example) and i will claim that space as my own and protect it well. (safe space) those close to me understand y it is that i do this but it is a long story to tell..
my dad was not always the nicest person..putting me through alot when i was kid.
so now that i am older yes i have dealt with it and forgave him for it..but haven't forgotten...
he doesn't yeild to any of my passings...he doesn't care much about boundaries....
where as i am not his 6 year old any more he really treats me as such alot of the times.
understanding that his rules his house and such...but having being on my own since i was 16 (because my mom left me and dad had refused to come get me) does he really have a right to tell me what i can and cannot do while i am there...
though the relationship is much better than it was is it strong enough to be under one roof.
and another fear would be will he interfer with my parenting..( he has NO room to talk there)
i am a good strict mother..i love my children and being single mother of 2 and working nights i do the best i can.
in turn they take care of me to..my oldest being 6 she will tell u i work to hard.
the step up when the times r rough for me..like this last week i have been horribly sick with allergies (cutting of trees and grass and such stirring up all of winters settlings)...
i took probly to many meds one night and laid on my bed with one lil one on each side and just passed out either from meds or pain one of the 2 but slept undistrubed by the rustlessness of the lil ones till the clock went off when miracle got up and turned it off to get ready for school fell back to sleep..then waking to her kissing me telling me her bus was here and that she had made the other one a bowel of ceral too..upon coming home i was still sleeping after making lunch for the lilest one that stays home with me...waking to them eating p.j. sandwiches with bath water running...i wanted to cry becuase she they had done all of that with out waking me. i have very good girls...where i cannot fake being sick they pull through for me when i am...
as for my non sick days i run my house hold tightly...
my dad being lots more relaxed in his being older and not a very good parent himself...i am afraid he will interfer with that when its time to lay down some discipline on my girls.
though very protective of them...and not allowing anyone to under mind my authority with them (or make me the bad guy) i wont allow him to either...
just for the safety of saying so..i wouldn't let the pope tell my kids what to do...i am not perfect and i let them live and learn and guide as i see fit...but making ur own mistakes and learning from them is life...
where my dad doesn't not think that way...
see with mine say jumping on the bed...i made them stop once explain the danger involved (in real terms not in ponie land diffinitions)...they went back jumping on the bed...maybe couple days of ignoring the tingly strings up and down my spine...i hear a thud and a cry coming from my oldest...gladly she wasn't seriously injured but enough of the pain of her hardly hit elbow on the desk stopped her and her sis from jumping on the bed to this day...
patience. discipline, guidence and expectations, and of course all the rewards they get is how i go bout raising my lil ones..
where with my raising it was do as your told or u get bruises and then do what your told...though lil fear is good to have...mine raising was not needed..
more laters...must work now