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Bad CHI

sorry guys for all the bad chi...but i rarely write for a good cause...i have to be on the verge of happily exploding from excitement before i will post a happy thought here...i am not a manic depressed person just a very exhausted one...i have been on my own since i was 16 when my mom just up and left...and i have fought everyday since for every breathe i have been given...my lilest baby girl has turned 4 years old today and my has she really grown...i sat and just starred at her in amazement because she is very beautiful and full of life...i see me in her...she is who i was supposed to be without all the abuse i have been through...oh i would die to be her....to have never had a mean hand ever touch me...but that is my doing i have protected her thus far and hope that she is never tainted like my oldest girl and me...my oldest was abused by her real father and she is tainted as i am as well...only through years of polishing am i able to hide it from the unknowing and she will learn to hide it to..not that in anyway should we be ashamed but its hard to cope with it in a society that doesn't understand...

i feel so alone in my life that i fear i will always be alone...i want to share a life with someone but i have nothing to offer anyone...i do not have a well run life...though we have what we need and way less of what we want...and they are the simple wants...im not a material type person...but i do like my share of what life has to offer...but i do find pride in giving my small family what it needs...i do well on my own but am new to the area i live in and i am very alone and lonely i have no friends here...i hope to go to school next semister if i can get a gov grant and then i might make friends but i miss my friends i already have they are an hour away in all directions and i have very lil money to waste to go see them...and they are not doing any better than i am...so they can't come see me anymore often either...i needed a new life somewhere to start over but i never thought what scarifices were ahead of me...i miss them dearly and so do my girls but i know going back means picking up all the troubles i left behind for good reason...

though now my life has changed i still wonder what love means to people...because some really don't know what it means...like my bestfriend ever...i love him with all my heart and i have never told him this...and that everytime he gets a girlfriend i get jealous...and that i am tired of picking up the pieces everytime... after she breaks up with him...but i don't tell him how i feel because i have seen how he treats his gf...though i know that he has a lot of growing up to do and i know what he is after when he gets invovled with them...and he gets upset over losing his piece of ass....not because he was in love with her...though he doesn't know that...i wished he knew how much i love him and that no matter whom i end up with that i will always love him with all my heart...because i belive in soulmates and i know that we are...but maybe all soulmates weren't meant to be together in body...i have been left and cheated on and beaten...but i remained faithful and loyal even to those who weren't or didn't deserve it...no matter how bad life had me down he was always there for me...to pick me back up...even when it was him that broke my heart and he didn't know it...thats what i want in a relationship...for someone to be there no matter what happens...does that exsist at all in life today...