| View Blog
|
|
|
i found a cd that you made for me back in febuary of 06, you made it for me at work, its music that you said remeinded you of me. music that i liked as well. it was just sitting at my desk at home. you know what that desk looks like so its a mircale that i was able to find it. it was just sitting on the keyboard. i have been lisitning to it here at work, some songs i havent heard in while.
today is your birthday, you are now 29 years old. WHAO!!! its too bad we cant be together this is a very big moment for you. its too bad that family we both wanted is looking down us from heaven and wishing they were here too. i didnt call you, becuase i didnt think you would want to hear from me. last night you bit my head off for just asking how you were not where you were. so i figured just stay away let her stew and when she is ready then i will call. but you beat me to the punch. i dont and please dont be mad for this, but why hear from me on this day? i mean wouldnt you rather just hear from your friends and boyfriend? but hey thanks for including me on this day if only for a small part of it. you will have fun thats for sure, i am sure your friends have a huge party planned out for you, your will go clubbing and dance the night away. make some good memeories tonight they will last a lifetime.
i think finding the cd made me melencholy. it made me miss you, once again. not thats it hard to make me miss you but rather it made me miss the girl you once where. that happy go lucky girl that could but a smile on my face with your jokes or who would sing me a silly song and brighten up my day. i am trying to give up on you, but it feels like a mistake its like asking me to stop breathing cant be done. no matter how much i fill my head with other things i do it all for you. my music, my writing, hell even going to the gym now is all been done because of you. it dont think that i am vain. i just miss you, i still love you. some part of you once did so i try to talk to it, the part thats in me still. she is the one that vists me at night, shares my bed and my dreams. it could be that time does not want me to forget time is clinging to me telling to not loose hope. beucause with out it what do i have? i hope that you can look back on us and not see regret not see the anger that blinds your soul, but rather remember us for who we once where.
i keep living one day at time. i was restless, i feel the urge to go somewhere far, i dont know where just anywhere. perhaps some where, you cant follow me too. so that i may fing myself again. but really what will that do? you live inside of me, you are a part of my soul. running and jamming pills in my mouth dont cause you to leave, they just dull the pain. you are forever. does that make sense? i see the days as mere memories. i replaying events words in my head. your message this morning was suprising to me, i didnt expect you to call. i wanted to hurt your feelings to make you feel a bit of what i feel, so thats why i didnt call, thats why i said i am only calling because you wanted me too. belive this morning as soon as i woke up i wanted to call you to wish you the best to sing to you on the phone. but your words from last night came back to me again, they said to me to settle my heart. you were hurt last night dont do it again, dont give so much in return for so little. thats why i was such an ass.
days move so slowly, i hate it. its just more time and space between us. the minutes are tombstones on future for us. they drop and settle in driving us further and further away from one another. for you they cover your memeories that love that we shared. for me they uncover the past they shine a light on a future that is bleak and empty. sure i may find someone new, but she will never be you. she will pale in compaison to who you are. the strenght that you posses the passion that is in you. to me you are loved personifed. when i think of what love means i see you. i see you in your wedding dress, i see you in a t-shirt in bed, i see you with your hair all a mess in jogging pants wariming up my car. you are everything to me.
so tomorow is today, time can never be stopped or rewond it only moves forward. the minutes that pass as you read this are for the ages. my thoughs and these words are now a part of the past that i live in. there are people who love you out there, i know it, i dont want to take that away from you. i am jealous because you will spend time with them and enjoy it. they bring happiness to your life, hell someone sent you the traditional mexican birthday song, just heard it as we were talking. so you see your life is getting better, minute by minute its moving to a better place. my tomorow is in the past, i am walking backwards and just glance over my shoulder to what is coming but i am not loosing sight where i came from. i see keep in mind you in the wedding dress when you came through the doors. your smile made me loose my mind all i could see was you, your face glowed, you looked radient that afternoon, i will never forget how happy i was, when you came to me and said " i do" i knew that this was it i could grow old, i could die in your arms and know that i had made the right choice. you were a dream come true. so thats where i live in that day as you came in through the door, i live in your eyes, in that smile, if i turn and look towards tomorow i know that i will loose sight of you and that scares me the most.
|
|
Posted by gatopanzo on 2007-11-15 12:09:37 | Rating: | Views: 102
|
| |
|
|
