this has been a very long weekend. i cant help but wonder where you are. you told me you where going for the church retreat, then it was work, then....i dont know. i miss you so. people have told me thats its time to move and get over you. but how can i when i still cry for you.

Its monday morning on labour day, i dreamt about you yesterday. well not you per say but i felt you in my dreams, i felt you close by and it felt good. Again trying to put into words my feelings right now...hard to do. I think about how long this pain will last, i think how soon you moved on from me. I keep replaying moments in our life, moments when we were happy. I was thinking of the time i took you to your irst interview. I was so proud of you that day. Do you remember that day that we were playing that game on the playstation? and i kept dying and you made the sound like when the character dying? Do you remember the orange song you sang to me? or the joke about the fox and chicken that i cant tell right? What happend to all that? I know we have to move on from the past to be happy we have to look to the future, but how can i look at future where i dont see anything for me without you? You are my wife and i need you.

I never really understood the need that people have for others. I was always a little selfish in that manner. But when i think about it i need you. Its need in every sense of the word, its physically painful not having you near me. I am trying to be strong and suppress alot of the emotion that i have inside me, i try to block out thoughts of you, but you come floating in at times, when i am eating i think have you eaten yet? dumb things do like....did you check the oil in the car? did you check out the noise from the brakes? When i am at work, i try and stay busy so i dont think about you. But i cant always not think of you. I know you work hard at what you do , and i think if you have eaten lunch yet? are things going okay? You became apart of me, and i dont know what do to with out you.

I want to run from here and find where you are and kneel in front of you and beg you to forgive me. To let me prove to you that i am worth it. But that would only make you mad at me. I have cried for you so much, i beg and pleaded with god to forgive me and let me love you again. At times i think i am all out of tears but then, the littlest thing just a tiny thing can make me cry. Do you remember the perfume you wore at our wedding? i felt it the other day at home, i was putting my jacket away and i got a small whiff of it on my jacket. and i thought back to that day, you looked so beautiful, your smile was the only thing that i could see nothing mattered at that point you were my wife and that was it. In the pocket was the party favors we gave out at the wedding, and on the side pocket was a small sachet of lilacs that we had, do you remember those? they still smell sweet. hm i am crying right now. they are bitter tears at having lost you.

 I cant write anymore.