Its fall here in canada, its a beautiful fall day out, from my office window i can see how the leaves have been changing colour, how the days take on that beautiful golden sheen to them, has anyone seen that before? the way the light takes on a golden tone to it as the days go past in october. Fall is really one of my favorite seasons. The change in the weather, the promise of christmas, the change what i like the most. In a way its like a metaphor for many things that happen in our own lives.

 I am sure everyone out thier has heard, times of the season by the zombies. And if you havent your a freak!!! But really we all go through stages in our lifes where things happen. Some are beginings some are endings and some are really both. Right now we are at the end of summer and the begining of winter. i see my life right now reflected back on me in the changes that are occuring right now. I can say that my relationship with my wife was alot like the summer, it felt never ending and so care free. It felt like it would last for ever. But it didnt, it ended like most things have to. It was and is painfull still, but it has to happen sometimes to allow for things to mature and grow; to be appreciated more.

 Fall is a tempremental month where the weather can be perfect one day and horrible the next. My mood has been like that. At times i felt like just giving up because it hurt so much, the pain the missery, the empitness that had crept in to me was at times too much to bear. Then at other times i felt better, i felt okay like the fog was clearing up and the sun was coming out. Now when i look outside and i see the gold reflected everywhere, i think to myself that this is me remembering all the times that we shared, they are like golden like the times outside. I can look back and treasure what we both felt the joy that we shared.

 I guess that i should stop worring so much about what happens to her, its not my place any more, i have other things that i need to deal with in my life now. I am not going to fill mu life with wants and desires or stuff to make up for her loss. All i am going to do is just carry on. I dont see how moving on to someone new right now will be any good for me, she is still a part of my life and will be for a long time to come. I cant walk away from it like that. But so it is right?

 I am not saying goodbye, just a pause where you and i try to find out what it is that life wants from us. I may be wrong but i dont think that we have control over what it is that happens around us. I think that fate has been layed out for us and our goal or path is to mearly walk it well. The only control we have is choice. We can choose what part of the path we walk, the easy way, or the hard way. But they all lead to the same place, its just a matter of work. I am sure we all come to forks in th road where we have to decide which way to go but really they all lead to the same spot.

 Relationships are like that, i gave a big part of myslef to her, she may disagree but i felt like i did, i know i did because that part of me is missing and i cant seem to find where it is. I miss her but i try not to focus to much on how much i do or i will get sucked back in again. But i do miss her alot, i miss talking to her, telling her my problems lisenting to hers, just sharing you know? Hell i even miss fighting with her, because we always made up. LOL i miss our secret hand shake. I made one up for us. I thought it was funny, we both enjoyed it. We practiced it alot, we got to the point where we could both do it super fast. 

 I guess to help sum things up a bit, i am okay i guess. Not perfect but okay. I have off days and good days, sad days and happy days but i am trying to live on. I hope that one day we both see our mistakes and try to fix them and come togther again, that would be the greatest thing ever, so lets wait and see what happens. Perhaps nothing happens and we just go on. Everytime i look up from my monitor i look at this wooden hand made car she brought me from her last trip to mexico. its just a little reminder of her, i havent taken it down or put it away, it just sits here in my office. Sometimes i take it down and well.....drive it around my desk when no one is around. Stupid huh?!?! But i look at and i think of her, a little pain, a little nostalgia all mixed up when i look at it, but also a smile, she always knew i loved cars. In fact one time she bought me this little car i dont know where she found it but it look excatly like my car. Just out of the blue one day she brought it for me. I miss those times. Anyways i am rambling here, take care.