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not matter how hard you run and how fast you go you can never seem to reach the horizon. it just seems to hang there and move further and further away from you. you can see it and imagine just getting to it but it just gets further away.
my life feels like it is at the point right now. i can see the edge but i dont know how to reach it. or am i running from the edge and seeing another? i dont know. but everywhere i look everything seems so far away from me and i am alone in a vast plain. i had a shitty day yesterday missed out on what would have been a very sweet raise bring me up to a very comfrotable 44000/ year but because of my crappy adittude the last few months i lost out on it. you called me last night and i was glad to hear your voice it felt good to talk to you. i miss you, but its strange i feel like i dont know you anymore. i second guess everything that you say i try to find meanings in your words and phrases hoping to hear something that will let me know that you still care. but i dont.
you are my biggest horizon, since i met you i have felt like i have been running trying to catch up to you. thinking back to our time, it feels so long ago, but the memories are still very clear, i can replay them over and over little moments, big moments. yes you agree we did share some good and bad time togehter. but like you said we werent willing to make compromises to each other. too damm stubborn you and i like donkeys. but i miss those good and bad times, hell i ll even take a fight with you just as long as i can hear your voice and feel something from you.
at times i feel like i am loosing who it is that i am. i often find my self thinking of my future and all i see is a blank, i have thoughts and emotions that arnt part of my way of being, i dont mean bad things just....have you seen a tree shed its leaves and end up bare? thats how i feel, i feel like parts of me are shedding away and they will never come back. but with them memories ,feelings are going with them. its hard to describe. my one constent and true is you. you are the foundation that holds me up, you are the fountain that sustanis me in the desert. i know that somewhere deep inside of you, you still love me. and i pray to the lord that you will let the light back into that part of you and let it grow again.
loosing you has been the most life changing thing that i have ever done. it may not have seemed like it but you changed my life so much, you brought me out of the shell that i had made for my self and let me see the world thru your eyes and experince things that i had never felt before. before i met you i didnt know what love really meant. before you i didnt know the sacrafices that are necesary but hard to maintain a realtionship. before you i was just a ghost, you brought me back to life...but i am fading back again, at work i am loosing my will to work that fire that i had to get the job done, at home i just dont feel the want to return sometimes. somedays i just want to get into the car and drive, see how far i can go and then walk when i am out of gas, and walk to where ever i am headed to. i dont have a direction with out you. i feel so lost without your strenght by my side.
i had the idea of writing this when i came into work this morning, the sky was breathtaking, it was still black but with streaks of purple and orange, starting to creep in from the east, i was able to see the sunrise, and the horizon and felt that nothing else expressed the longing the need that i feel for you. i never knew that i had this much in me to write. its strange the things that can bring out inspiration. for me it was loosing my wife. she made all these emotions but it took leaving me to finally be able to express them to find a way to make them real. i know that my words have been seen by many people and i hope that they have inspired and have caused comfort to others to know that you are not alone when it comes to finding and loosing love, i know that my words will last here for a long time to come. my love for her will live on in words.
there are days every now and then i pretend i m okay, but thats not what gets me. what hurts most is knowing how close we where to being togther again, i had so many things to say to you but now i feel you slipping away from me walking away to a future with out me with out us. its hard sometimes for me to force my self thru the day, having to appear cheerfull and full of life while inside me i am crying and drowing in despair. i have to deal with this regret this loss day in and day out, i am alone. but i would give all of this up for a minute with you like we were, i would walk away from all of this just to hear say " i love you"
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Posted by gatopanzo on 2007-10-23 07:39:59 | Rating: | Views: 76
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