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| Beginnings and endings, or why we write.
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So I have been thinking the last couple of days about the website and wondering why it is that I choose to write. Why do I choose to publish so many private and personal things? For one thing I help in hearing other people’s ideas; it’s kind of like a sounding board. I know for sure that I am not the only one that is going thru some of the changes that are happening in my life right now. The world is full of beginnings and endings, and it’s good to know that you are not the only one that is suffering; it helps to share the emotions with others. For me it unburdens me from a lot of anger and sadness guilt and shame.
In life outside of the internet I am not very good at expressing my emotions openly. I always feel that people can then use them to their own advantage. So I keep a lot of things inside of me I know that it’s not good to do that, but when you feel like what you say or what you do will be judged so severely that keeping it in is often the only thing to do. For example I have never well as of late have told my family that I love them. I just bring my self to say it. I know that I do love them, I love them very much they are all I have at the moment; but I can’t bring my self to say I love you. I can say it to my ex wife, to my cat but not my folks. The blog site lets me express my self because of the anominity that it offers. I am sure a lot of folks feel the same way. We are just someone behind a computer screen with things to say and this turns out to be the best way to say them. In part the reason I did this was the separation from my wife. This has been by far the hardest challenge that I have had to face ever. But in a way it also helped me to grow as a person and an individual and as a man. I can see all the mistakes that I committed all the places where I failed her and myself by writing it out. It’s plain to see in black and white once I see it on my screen, I can check and balance where I did wrong and where I did it right. It’s almost like therapy.
I know that I still love her very much. My love for her has not changed from the day that I said “I do” I made mistakes but the love the good intentions that need that you have for another is still their and very much alive. I can’t see myself with another. We made a good couple, our attractiveness matched our sense of style, our personalities and our bodies fit so well. It’s like a mold was made and we where the matching half’s. Its things like this that I could not say to her in life, I don’t know why I couldn’t I thought that expressing emotions like this I didn’t need to do it because I loved her with my actions. But that’s not enough. You need to tell them show them be all you can be for them and them be more. That’s something I have learned now.
For a while I was really alone I felt so empty. When I found the site I saw that I was not the only one to be suffering like me, when I began writing and sharing with others and people said “ I understand” it felt good I felt a kinship with people I know I will never meet them but they understand the pain they just listen.
You ask me why now why do I do what I do. And do be honest I don’t know. I know I should have done all this before, I know I should have spoken to them before we came to this point. So I write I write to get it all out of me. I think it helps, I guess to sum it up I write because I can. I write because it may be useful to someone, someone can understand.
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Posted by gatopanzo on 2007-10-16 08:49:00 | Rating: | Views: 78
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| Blog Comments
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I just read the first paragraph and I agree with what it says. Blogging is a good way to relieve yourself of stress knowing that somebody else might be listening. You help others and others help you.
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Posted by SubTomato
on 2007-10-16 08:57:55
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I wish my hubby would do what you are doing. At least get his feelings out. If one cannot communicate by speaking one can by writing. I wouldn't mind receiving a letter instead of an actual sit-down-talk. Hopefully hubbies and wives will see this and it WIL help them to communicate, even if it is in a different way. Good for you, thanks for your sharing.
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Posted by bookgirl
on 2007-10-16 08:59:51
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