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Well weekend has started off ok. I had planned to do something around the house whether it was clearing out the box room or some more painting, varnishing the window sill in the double room. I decided to start the clear out in the box room as B. was going to come down and get some of his stuff. Of course he didn't-I rang him earlier and was going to bring some of it round myself but he's on nights tonight and was in bed so he's coming in the morning after work to get it.
Lately I've been feeling generally bored with pretty much everything and I guess lately a little sorry for myself (which I never do, honestly-hate self pity) and I just feel like i want to be anywhere but here. I've been really missing Australia so much more than usual. I got so bad the other night I logged on to some of the live webcam sites in Oz just to get a live picture of either Bondi beach or even Sydney Harbour...why does Oz have to be so bloody far away?
I know after this house is sorted and I FINALLY find a housemate I'll be able to relax a little more and really start concentrating on other things like college and going out and probably looking for a new job but at the moment, here and now....I'm just bored and I just don't want to have to be doing any of this.
On thursday night I spent a couple of hours painting some more upstairs and I just got really, really lonely..sometimes when I really think about what has happened and I realise I am here on my own...it just feels like shit. I was painting and I have to say it is a great feeling doing all this work on my own and seeing the place transform but then thursday night I started to get sad because I thought to myself "we should have both been doing this together, watching the place change and both of us making it into a home"...reality is he's gone, i'm trying to get place fixed up so I can move someone in to share the mortgage and it's just not how I wanted it to be.
I just feel mentally tried and generally in bad form and I hate that...I've been in this weird mood where I think deep down I'm in shit form but I'm able to have a laugh almost to the point of being manically hyper..lol I guess i'm just having a bad few weeks...
I was supposed to try and go to Amsterdam to spend christmas or at least part of it with my friend G and her fiance..I said all along that was a maybe and then lately I started to think "do I really want to spend christmas with another couple?"....I think it would put me in worse form and I don't like christmas as it is! My sister and her hubbie have just got back from a 3 week holiday around Hong Kong and Japan etc and I found myself thinking while looking at their pics up on facebook how annoyed I was that they're on hols and I'm over here painting, sanding, minor wall repairs..and I think that will just lead to bitterness and I haven't gotten bitter for one sec so far and really don't want to go there...I think bitterness just eats you up...a friend of mine is so bitter over men now..she admitted it herself..I just don't think it's a good way to be and no one will want to be around me whether it's friends or dates if I'm like that.
I've been through a lot in the past and this is just one more thing I have to get through and I totally accept it...I think maybe the fact nothing has ever been straightforward for me has even made this easier to deal with.
I found the leaflet I got from the hypnotherapy place I went to last year (or might have been year before)...now THAT was good for me..I only had the initial consultation and then one session but my god...that one session plus the fact it was the first time I told a complete stranger EVERYTHING I've gone through since being a kid....it just did me so much good...if it wasn't €80 a session I would so go back...when I had to cancel that christmas she was so disappointed cos she had made me my own CD and everything..I felt really bad..she even told me to come in for half a session if I couldn't afford a whole one..I should have done that...I might go back at some point..lol maybe when I finally change jobs and have more money....
anyway, this is a LONG blog so think I'll cut it short here...anyone reading this is probably totally depressed now..I hope you're not..maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing.
damn these break ups...and damn men for being retarded..(sorry guys) I love yas but you drive us women nuts!
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Posted by frasier31 on 2008-07-12 13:12:12 | Rating: | Views: 28
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