Pennsylvania!!  lmao  yeah i kno that was corny. 

so i signed on today & i had ten new comments!!  thats a record for me!  hahaha  very exciting.  thanx to all who read & gave feedback!  luv u!!    (most especially KD)

ok.....weekend was good & i'm almost over my little cry-baby bout concerning my mother.  after having it on my mind for a while hardcore, i think what bothers me more than anything is the fact no one else seems to remember or understand why i don't talk to her or want to be anywhere near her or the mention of her name.  perhaps that is selfish on my part....

for instance, my father said to me on sunday 'have u talked to mommy lately?' 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????  i didn't mean to go off on him the way that i did but he just doesn't think sometimes when he says certain things (he of all people know best why i no longer associate myself with her).....not to mention that for some reason lately people have developed some sort of amnesia & keep bringing her up like i just magically forgot what happened too (i.e. the easter thing with auntie).  ummmm, if i declared her dead to me a year ago, what the hell makes u think i'd have anything to do with her now????? 

conversely, it is my own fault.  i am realizing this now.  i did have that period of time where i tried to 'suck it up'....tried to forgive her....let it go & just deal with it & accept that she's going to be around no matter what i do through ties i have with the rest of my family (namely my brother).  but the fact that every time i see her i want to push her to the ground & beat her mercilessly led me to err on the side of removing myself from the situation instead.  and after the way she behaved during the whole situation surrounding uncle's death, i just couldn't do it anymore.  before that happened, i was doing pretty well.  i was able to be around her & just ignore the bullsh*t....knowing that she could no longer control me. 

as i'm writing this, i'm almost mad at myself tho....i kno she knows she gets to me.....or maybe not.  who knows?  does it bother her that i ignore her?  she tries to get to me through my brother sometimes which only serves to infuriate me further.  whatever she does, she needs to leave him out of it!!! 

i just don't want to deal with her!!  she's a terrible person & doesn't in any way shape or form deserve the unconditional love of my brother.  after what she selfishly put him through, she deserves to die.  add to that what she did to me & she should burn in hell to boot.  throw in the fact that she continues to be life sucking, energy draining, stress inducing, controlling, power hungry, emotionally lazy, fake, manipulative a$$hole-c*nt & she should be reincarnated as an abused animal.  there are so many more words & phrases to describe her....

i hate that she makes me angry.  i hate that i even think about her at all.  she still has control over me if i allow her to upset me.  but how do i stop it??  i don't kno how to stop it!!  i don't like injustice....i don't like ignorance....i don't like fakeness....i don't like bullsh*t.....i don't like manipulation.....i don't like my mother.   sometimes i wonder if she's aware of what she does & does it all on purpose or if it's simply her nature & she doesn't fully understand what her behavior rears.....

i just don't get how she keeps getting away with it!!!  why do people turn a bilnd eye to her bullsh*t!?!?!!??!?  do they really not see it!?!?!??  do they choose not to see it?????   maybe it's just easier to let her continue with it than to call her out on it since she is so entirely resistant to any kind of criticism of her own character/actions/life etc.  maybe her 'charm' makes people want to forgive whatever faults she posesses..... maybe i'm the only one that sees it because i posess the same power she does but choose not to use it the way she does.  she doesn't use it, she abuses it & that makes me sick. 

i think the root issue is that i have to accept the fact that everyone is who they are.  they will do whatever they want to do & believe/think whatever they want to believe/think..  i cannot change that.  i can share my own opinions & hope that it will shed some light but that's about it.  i just don't get how no one seems to care about what she put my brother & me through.  well that's not tru.... grandma & aunt E both understand & see it & give recognition..... and of course my friends..... its just a shame that the people i once considered myself closest to now seem like aliens to me.