now that we've discovered all of this & verified & such.....now that we kno a little more about it... now what?  what are we going to do with it?  i think it's obvious that there's work to be done.  i just feel like it's very big & i'm not so sure he's gonna be down for that.  maybe he's not meant to be involved.... maybe he's the master & i'm the student & it's going to be my ultimate task to figure out how, when & where to use it.  or maybe he's too selfish with it.  maybe it's the opposite & i'm too giving.... maybe i need to focus it more on my own needs/desires... 'u can't save the world melis' --> why not??  i'm so stubborn.  hahaha  

so much to think about.... i need to write all of this somewhere.  the shadow thing...the self-conscious theory....holding back....moral implications...distances & barriers...does it have to do with hearing? (phone works)...intimacy & transfers...recognition - how to approach it when u feel it....on/off switch & disappearing...underestimating urself first & foremost & the paradox of it (balance of humble & arrogant).... 'calling'....  that's not even all of it & i don't kno if i can remember everything he & i talked about monday night... i'll have to sit down & do that at some point.   thats another thing: vivid dreams & the whole 'photographic' memory tendency/'re-living' experiences....i wonder if he does that too... i'll have to ask him. 

is daycare a form of ultimate immunity cultivation?  lmao 

had the usual tuesday night chat with Lis last night... 'loves it!'  ;o)  we're going to write a book.

my body is exhausted.  i gave blood yesterday & it took even more out of me... i was tired to begin with.  probably a bad idea.  last night i laid down on the bed to watch 'the 3 ravens' & i remember telling myself to set the alarm just in case...which of course i never did...and the next thing i knew, auntie was calling my name to get up at 6:40!!!  the funny part was, i didn't have a heart attack like i normally would have.  i was actually really calm about it.  at first i was more confused than anything cuz i couldn't figure out what day it was & i thought for sure it must be the weekend. 

i love his reactions to my description of things....and the best part is, i already kno what his reaction is going to be.  i like how he describes things too sometimes.  altho there's still that lag for some reason at times. 

also afraid that if i start trying to use it at will as opposed to reactionary that it won't work.  i think that's mostly because i am not yet 100% sure how to use it.

as usual - work to do.