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i feel as though i've been walking around in a dream for the last week and a half or so. it's the strangest thing. uncle has been on my mind alot. i'm going to be staying in his old room when i move into grandmama's. i'm not sure if i'm ready for that. i went in there quickly on sunday just to put a box on the floor & i could feel his presence so strongly. i wasn't even thinking about it as i whispered 'hi uncle.' it didn't scare me or make me sad. it was actually more inviting than anything.
last night i wrapped myself up in greg's old sleeping bag & decided to get under the covers as well. when i laid down i felt as though i were being held or like i was floating in a big me-sized cocoon. it was like heaven. i think i might do that every night. gol wish i could do it right now.
i really have to make sure that i get to bed asap after work on tues & wed nights. i'm running myself into the ground. i tried to rationalize it with the new schedule being the culprit but it's not just that. i have to stop feeling like i have to do everything 'now now now'.... and like i have to please everyone. altho most of the time pleasing that person is also going to please me which motivates me to do whatever i need to.....
for example:
last night LPU texted me & said
--> 'what up?'
Me --> 'hey pa :) i was thinking about u late last night'
LPU --> 'where u at?'
Me --> 'on the bus home, i have to work at the gym 2night'
LPU --> 'at night? thats ruff.'
Me --> 'yeah...2morrow night 2'
LPU --> 'till what time?'
Me --> '11'
LPU --> 'dag. wanted u to have ice cream wit me'
Me --> 'ice cream?'
LPU --> 'yea'
Me --> (i don't kno what i wrote here, my phone automatically erased the outbox)
LPU --> 'tonite?'
Me --> 'yeah. it won't be too late?'
LPU --> 'not 4 me. what bout u? only the cone will be left tho..'
Me --> 'gol it's all good, i like the cone. ;o) i'll hit u up when i leave work'
i called him when i got home, which was a big mistake of course. altho i didn't really expect him to pick up...figures he did. his voice pulled at me & got me 'this close' to caving. if it hadn't been for the fact that i had picked up food on the way home, i probably would have gone. that's what i'm talking about tho... seriously? i was gonna go all the way out to 'portugal' for a (let's be honest) booty call on a tuesday night at 11 o'clock!?!?!? am i insane?? lmao i told Lisa about it before i left work & she was another reason i didn't go. she talked some sense into me & she was right.
it's just so hard to get it together with some people.... LPU is one of the worst tho. i told him today he either needs to plan ahead more often or i have to be more spontaneous cuz we are like polar opposites with that which is part of the reason we can never work it out. then there's darius who's schedule is just as insane as mine. so one is the polar opposite which prevents us from chilling, the other is almost the same & also prevents us from chilling. i can't win!! gol
btw, yummy has officially fallen off the face of the earth. i give up. and of course i keep hearing the 2 songs that remind me of him the most over & over & over & over.... :o( i just don't get it. juice made a good point tho.... 'sometimes their boy will get at them & be like 'dog, u need to treat ur girl better'' i kno i shouldn't have been messing with him anymore after i found out he was 'attached'....but i just wanted him so bad... oh well. i don't miss him as much as i did last week... i still get bummed when i come across his pic in my phone or hear the songs that make me think of him but i'm sure that'll fade soon.
thought about brandon last night.... the time he called me at L's house & i said 'u just wanna twist me out' & he said 'yeah but u like it when i twist u out' i had no comeback. lmao it was true. still never got around 2 seeing him again tho...
beast.... another one like LPU....almost exactly actually... that's kinda weird. i never noticed before. either way i always feel guilty if i don't come thru on a request for them. i'm extra eager to please them but don't get the reciprocation i deserve. it's what i did with chip. they have that air about them. 'i don't need u' 'it's ur loss' maybe it's just my own perception...my mind playing tricks on me. maybe they really are manipulative. perhaps they don't realize it. perhaps they know exactly what they're doing. i would imagine it gets girls to do whatever they want on a regular basis which could certainly create a habit quite easily & quickly. if that's the case, why do they keep coming back? maybe the fact that i don't bend to their every whim (tho not so much by choice as by schedule restrictions - they dont' kno that) intrigues them? or maybe they truly have a genuine interest. i guess i don't really ever stop to think about it all that often. it's sex. well that & i enjoy their company when we chill before/after. lmao
for now i have a ton of work to do.... |
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Posted by foxx_flie on 2008-01-23 13:39:20 | Rating: | Views: 37
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