lately i am extremely tired all the time..... tues night i came home, fell asleep at 7pm & didn't get up again until 5am the next morning.  last night i fell asleep around 11:45 & still had trouble getting up this morning.  ugh.

anyway.  i don't like to complain a whole lot cuz it doesn't help me get out of whatever funky mood i might be in. 

i can't wait to get to the gym tonight!!  i have to make sure i keep my morale up.  i was all set to run some intervals last night after bball but wound up skipping for a couple of reasons & now i'm really mad that i did.  i didn't eat too bad last night tho so i suppose it's all good.  i just don't like how i'm feeling today at all & i kno it's a direct result of the fact that i haven't stuck to my workout schedule the way i promised myself i would.  i'm going downstairs asap tonight & i'm doing some cardio & maybe some weight training before i go to dance.  and i am not going to promise, because i'll probably want to sleep late, but i am going to try to get my training area set up downstairs on sunday morning. 

got a text from beast while i was asleep (1:30am)

beast --> 'i want u so bad it hurts!'

me --> 'i kno...my body craves u..............i miss being with u altogether....and kissing u :)'

beast --> 'ditto!  i need sum quality time with u, i feel lonelyish'

me --> 'word.  thats a good word 2 describe it haha  soon...'

beast --> 'na, i'm really not that horney but i do long 2 b held in a warm embrace n kissed all over my neck n face. (sigh)'

me --> 'i luv that! :)'

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!   gol  i really do miss him alot... i feel like i haen't seen him in forever!!  friday night after class we talked a little bit before he left...he hadn't brought the boys like he said he was going to.  he had gotten his hair braided & it looked sooooooooooo sexy.....wearing a blue leather avirex type jacket.... as we talked he seemed almost shy & was playing with the ends of his braids like a little kid...pulling one or two of them across his upper lip as he puckered them out to keep the braids there like a 'moustache' hahahaha  it occurred to me that he could be subtly hinting that he wanted to kiss me as well... we were about to say good bye & i saw him look up & around quickly as he moved in & down toward me.  we kissed quickly but it felt so nice :o)   i didn't see him again until monday night's class.

monday night he actually brought the boys & i didn't really kno what to do with myself....i didn't kno if he'd told them about me or not...if they meet all the girls he's involved with etc....  the boys were busy playing & there was another couple of members waiting with me & beast for the previous class to vacate the room so it took alot of the pressure off as we talked casually.  after class i stuck around like usual but with a knot in my stomach as i tried to guage him & whether i should leave like everyone else.  he came over & we talked about saturday's plans.  his older son came over & he said 'did u meet [foxx]?'  he was quiet & shy but responded with a smile when i stuck my hand out to shake his & said 'nice to meet u'  the little one was too busy running around & there was a situation involving a lost hat for a minute before we all left.... i led the way hoping i'd get to steal a kiss in the stairway before the boys caught up to us.  beast followed my lead & we kissed quickly in the stairwell as i caught a glimpse of his older son at the top of the stairs out of the corner of my eye just as we were separating our lips from eachother.  

i won't see beast again until tomorrow night but then we are all going to medieval times on saturday night & i'm very excited about that!!  first because i'll get to spend time with beast & second because i haven't been there since i was 10 & i love that place!  hahaha  yeah, i'm a dork. 

hhmmmm.... i decided to change the nickname for my Brazilian boy from 'Rio' to 'Bahia' cuz i like it better & cuz someone else has that nickname in real life & i don't want there to be any association. 

last night he texted me & said he thought they might be coming to the gym to play....i got excited cuz i had work & would be there.  sure enough he & lion & the rest of their team showed up around 9 & i got to talk to him for a little bit.  lion came in & saw me first & waved.  i waved back.  every person that walked thru the doorway made my heart skip as i looked 2 see if it was bahia.....finally i looked up at one point & saw a flash of a leg, skin, hair, shorts going down the stairs to the locker room & i knew it was him.  when he came back up i was trying to decide if i'd play like i hadn't seen him or if i was going to make it as obvious as possible that i knew he was there & was trying to get his attention.  in between there somewhere we caught eachother's eyes & he smiled so big i couldn't help but smile just as big back. 

at first they were waiting for the first field to clear & were practicing on the far field so i ran over between games & talked to him for a min....when i got there, he had his back to me but lion saw me & said something in portuguese to him that made him turn around.  he smiled again & put his hand out for mine.  i took it briefly & made a comment about how cold his were as we let go.  he seemed a little shy or like he didnt' kno what he wanted to say...it was cute.  he said something about just his hands being cold & so, in wanting to touch his face, i said something back (can't remember the details) as i put my hand on his cheek.  i had to get back for the second game so i left him, but as i was doing my game, my eyes were pulled in the direction of the field they were playing on cuz they were playing 'shirts' & 'skins'  & guess which team he was on!!     gol 

afterwards i went out to chill with F(need to find a better nickname for him) & G at the front while i waited for them to come out.  when they did, he came straight over to me & we talked a little...then lion came over & said 'so u can only talk to him now?  u can't talk to nobody else?'  gol  so i said hello to lion. 

the interactions with bahia were awkward at best because of a few factors....there is definitely a language barrier there as he doesn't always understand what i say to him (not sure if he doesn't know the words or if it's because i speak too fast - either way, i can't wait to learn some portuguese!!!  gol  that will make it easier on both of us....plus he knows spanish too so i'm sure that will help)....and also because of all the people (most of which were his friends) that were around.  i can't wait to get some one-on-one time with him.....(next saturday!!)  also, i think i made him a little nervous or shy or something gol  he definitely clammed up a bit compared to the conversations we have thru texting....

the texts he sent me later that night were so adorably sweet.... talking about my eyes & how i make him smile & how he loves my smile & that i'm beautiful......::sigh::  gol  can't wait for next saturday.....

can someone please tell me why i can't hug G without hearing 'whoops' & suggestive comments or questions about us???   granted we do kind of hold eachother rather than just hug but still!!  i love hugging & so does she & we're both really good at it.... so why wouldnt' we hold onto eachother a little longer??   i'm not gonna lie....i am a little attracted 2 her & i kno it's mutual because we've kissed on the mouth a few times (the first of which was initiated by her) & because of the way she hugs me etc but they don't kno that!!!  funny tho how they pick up on it so quickly.......are they tho?  or are they simply wishful thinkers?  just because 2 pretty girls are engaged in an 'embrace'  lmao  ::sigh::  whatever...it's kinda fun to make them wonder anyway.  and there's no way i'm giving up hugging her so they can all kiss my nice big a$$!  gol

omg i'm so hungry.  i'm supposed to go to lunch with papi today.  not sure where we'll go....i'm kinda feelin indian food.... we'll see.  i'll probably go with salad.  hahaha

thought cbb had finally given up cuz he stopped texting me off the chain but papi said he'd be back & sure enough....tuesday i heard from him... i can't help but wonder if he was waiting to see if i'd contact him first.  (fat chance) gol  he started going on about how i don't have time etc etc..... i got ticked & told him i don't understand what he wants from me.  he says he's cool with a friendship but then he starts talking all this other crap about being attracted to me etc blah blah blah..... totally contradicts himself & flounders.... it's annoying & stupid.  i don't kno if that's just how he is or if he's trying to use some sort of psychology on me to get the results he wants.....it's funny cuz he acts like he's god's gift.... maybe at one point i could see that being a reality but he's got to come to grips with the fact that he's not what he used to be & his personality really isnt' all that..... yeah he's sweet & whatever but he's, more often than not, overbearing & has ADD foreal.  not to mention he's a bit self centered.  yeah yeah, i kno i am too...but at least i'll admit it!!  gol   i just don't get how he walks around with such a chip on his shoulder....does he own a mirror?  first of all, he needs to stop trying to salvage whats left of his hair & just shave his head bald cuz it would be much more becoming.  secondly, he needs to get his stomach flat again.   and third, he needs to grow about 6 inches.   lmao i'm so shallow..... u kno what tho?  relationships are at least 50% physical, i don't care what ANYONE says!!  if i'm not attracted to u & the sex isnt right/good/amazing, then why the hell would i be with u in anything other than  friendship????   the whole point of a romantic relationship is that it involves intimacy & sex!!  hello!!!??!?!?!???!?  lmao 

i kno i need to flat out tell him that i'm not attracted to him but i just cant do it yet for some reason.... i don't think his feelings would really be hurt....i do feel kinda guilty about the tax thing....altho i did tell him it was not necessary....he insisted....  whatever.  one of these days i'm sure he'll irritate me to the point of blurting it out.  i almost did it yesterday when he was going thru his whole spiel.  in the end he wound up inviting me to go with him & some friends on a weekend cruise.... it was tempting but i just don't have the money right now....i'd have to pay for the cruise & airfare to/from Miami..... in total it'd probably run me about $500 plus spending money.... i have it tucked away but i also wanna go to PR this year & to NC with L.... i was also thinking of going down to FL to see Ant & Juanito.....maybe stop off to visit shilo on the way there or back.... we'll see.  the NC trip would be pretty much just airfare & spending money.....same for PR if i go with Edwin (altho i haven't spoken to him in a min & need to get on that if i'm gonna go thru with it).....and if i go see Ant, i think i'd probably have a place to stay taken care of there too.... we'll see.  man, i just need to get away!!!  i haven't gone anywhere in so long!!  maybe mike will plan a trip soon.... that'd be hot.

2 hours till lunch.  ugh.  i have to go drop off this form but i really dont feel like getting up.  i should have gotten some coffee earlier when we were downstairs for the emergency drill.... maybe i'll go now.....either way, work to be done. 

i need a nap