more than just your kids being here, the min we started trying to spend more time together outside of a physical relationship is when things started to change more & more (and the fact that we couldn't seem to ever get it together was definitely a sign (like u said the first time we tried to go out)). i suppose it was inevitable that we'd move in that direction but i almost wish we had never tried to change anything.

i respect the way you are & what you are doing; admire it even. it's not a matter of my 'sticking around' - perhaps I used the wrong term when I was explaining what i meant before...i'd like to think that this was mutual from jump but i always felt as though you often feel the need to make it obvious that when it comes down to it, its always all about you and that no one could ever come close to what you bring to the table - i.e. you are the 'sun' & all the other planets (people in ur life) would die if it weren't for you. that's not to say that you think they would literally die without u, i'm just making a point. obviously you do make people better & you do have alot to offer, even more to those who are less aware of their own potential; but that doesn't make u better than anyone, no matter how 'sheepish' or 'slow' or outright ignorant they are.

i never said you have to be a sunny day everyday - no one is. i was just trying to let you know that your moods can be highly infuencial & that was part of what changed my attitude/energy toward u (which u picked up on & asked me about in the first place) i have no problems with your sometimes cold side or your blazing hot side or even ur dark side - i've seen them all (or as much as u've cared to show me) & find you fascinating; i thought you knew that.


L said i was being nice....she's probably right.  the way i see it tho, i had a choice to make.  come at him like every other chick he messes with & prove to him that i am just another one or choose my words wisely & turn the situation to my advantage.  first of all, no matter what i say or do, he'll never back down, so why make my life harder by continuing an argument that has no point?  as far as i'm concerned, i'm done.  he can go on thinking he's king of the world while i gracefully bow out of his life almost altogether.   as far as working out & training goes, i'd like to continue doing that with him (and perhaps even maintain a friendship) so i'd like to keep it as civil as possible to make things as smooth as they can.

i hope he realizes sooner rather than later that he has some adjustments to make before he'll advance any further spiritually.  he's got it a$$ backwards & so confused.  i've heard him talk to the people he 'loves' & if that's what he calls love, i want no part of it.  besides, when you truly love someone, you are supposed to be patient with them.  he rips these chicks apart & leaves them bleeding in the dark just to come back along & give them a warm 'loving' light by which to lick their wounds.  how they keep coming back for more is far beyond me; then again, what makes a battered woman return to her husband time after time just to receive a more severe beating until she's at the brink of death?  go figure.  i remember the first time he was short with me & i was caught off guard.  i asked him about it & his explanation was that he was treating me the way he treats all the people closest to him in his life.  Lis made a good point about that when she said it's just a way for them to make excuses for the fact that their personality sux & they're an a$$hole.  lmao  word up.

there are definitely subtleties that are lost on those who don't kno beast personally.  for instance, the whole caps lock thing....along with that, the comment at the end of the first paragraph --> '...and we don't like the darkness now do we?'  oh man i can just hear him saying that & it makes my blood boil!!!  ugh!! 

the other part that ticked me off was how unbelievably selfish it was for him to say he's trying too hard to involve the people he cares about most in his life & share his light & love with them then having the nerve to bash them because they take too long to 'get it'.... yes people make u frustrated & aggrevated but that's not a reason to give up on someone you love.  that's ridiculous.  and the whole 'focus on evolving and not so much involving'  --> are u kidding me!!????!   I CAN'T STAND ARROGANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ugh!!!  and the best part about it is he knows he's full of himself but he's got a way of twisting it so it doesn't sound so bad....sounds  good even!!  unbelievable.  u kno, i did it to myself.  i definitely am drawn to manipulative people & i think sometimes i even make it easy for them to manipulate me.....but i kno i'm getting better at recognizing it & i approach everything & everyone with far more caution than i used to (especially guys) which allows me not to get 'side-swiped' so often..... had i met & been involved with beast any earlier than i was, i probably would have gotten my heart cut to ribbons & my pride ground into the sidewalk.  well maybe not...i have a little more faith in myself than that but still... i would have almost definitely been side-swiped & figured out that i was wasting my time only after i'd put in more than i should have.

oh man...that other line.... 'i served my purpose so if u stick around it's on ur own accord'   whoa buddy!!  WTF is that!!??!?!   what purpose did u serve???  wait, i kno....there are a few.  let me list them:
1) u made my a$$ bigger, firmer, rounder & all around nicer - thanx for that, i kno MC is lovin it!  ;o)
2) u taught me even more about manipulative people & what to watch out for
3) u taught me a few more things i DON'T want in a relationship and/or my life
4) u taught me that complete & open honesty is the only way to go (unless of course u have to hear it for urself in which case ur just like the people u love (or is it despise? i can't really tell with u) because u can't handle it either)

they're not all bad tho...not all claws & fangs & hisses.... he did teach me some valuable stuff as far as working out & training goes.  he did make me realize that i'm not crazy when it comes to sensitivity & even allowed me to unlock some more of the unused potential (honing)....he did make me feel good ('warm & fuzzy') for a while in the beginning....and he did twist me out better than anyone else to date.  guess he gets thanx for all of it cuz in the end, i kno i got growth out of both.  haha that rhymed ;o)   

heh, what do u kno?  maybe he did indeed 'serve his purpose'.  tho i don't think he knows what it was as much as i do.  i'd like to kno what purpose he would say he served.....doubt it would be all that close to mine save the training stuff... and maybe the sensitivity.  what kills me even more tho is that i bet u he thinks i didn't serve any purpose for him in return & i kno dam well i did (and then some).  he knows it too...just doesn't realize it yet.  and maybe he won't ever realize it (that would be sad)....but u kno what?  it's ok. 

lastly, his closing was a big a$$hole move.... 'i'll holla at u later - can't finish what i had to say cuz i gotta be somewhere.....peace!'    PLEASE!!!!!!!  lmao!  first of all, if he had more to say, he sure as hell never came back to finish it!!  which means either he really didn't have anything more to say & just wanted to set himself up for the 'i don't have time for this trivial bullshit - i got somewhere more important to be' scenario  or  he just really doesn't care & didn't bother to come back & finish what he wanted to say.  either way - nice.  i will go so far as to give him the benefit of the doubt & say perhaps he didn't have access to his email (he doesn't have a computer at home)...or perhaps he responded to my other email address by accident since i sent the 'things' email from an address i'd never used for him before but i don't think either of those are likely explanations. 

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i think i've spent enough time & energy on that.  i'm curious to see what his response will be, if any, to what i sent today.  i wish i'd sent it earlier.  i still haven't decided what i'm doing about tonight.  i've got some other factors that are weighing in.... greg is sick & won't be able to pick me up late as previously discussed altho auntie said she'd be cool with coming to get me even if it's late....aside from that, i haven't quite been feeling 'up to par' myself & i wonder if i should push it......... i could always just workout downstairs or back at home....i think that's a good idea considering it'll make my night that much earlier & so i would be pushing it but not pushing it to the point where i pushed too far.....but what if there's no class on friday?  i won't have another opportunity to face him until next monday..... who cares tho, right?  i'm sure he's not putting as much thought into it.  why should i?  i shouldn't.  and that's the point.  haha   besides, i have to do some food shopping, stop at the bank to make a deposit & get the pics from yesterday onto the comp...i'm sure there are a few other little chores i could bang out as well... i think i'm just gonna go home & workout at the gym by my house.... i can hit the bags & do whatever else i feel like doing....work out some aggression.  besides, valentine keeps yelling at me not to workout because of my ankle & i kno he's right.  i can modify things better if i'm working out alone.   guess that's it then.  in that case, it's time for me to get a move on. 

one last thing -->  i love MC!!   ::sigh::  gol